


A More Beautiful Life

by CallMeHux



Series: Life Beautiful [4]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: A LOT of Angst, Established Relationship, F/M, Some Fluff, Stay-At-Home Parent Bellamy, but mostly feels, doctor!clarke, domestic fic, occasional smut, relationship angst, sequel fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-16
Updated: 2017-12-17
Packaged: 2018-12-15 23:35:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 25,780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11816532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CallMeHux/pseuds/CallMeHux
Summary: Clarke might have found the love of her life but that doesn't mean life just magically works out.  When faced with a difficult choice, she decides what's best for her family, but there are consequences nonetheless and they could ruin her happy-ever-after.  But only if she and Bellamy don't fight for it.What are the chances these two don't fight for something they both want?This is the full sequel to This Beautiful Life.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Here it is, the sequel to This Beautiful Life. You don't need to read it to get this story, but if you want to see how these two got together and the backstory, I definitely recommend it. 
> 
> I'm not sure what my publishing timetable is going to be for this thing, but I'm hoping it'll be fairly regular. As always, thank you to my lovely beta Anne!
> 
> I hope you enjoy it and remember, comment, questions, kudos, are always appreciated!

The day hadn't been any more busy than normal, but for some reason, Clarke felt especially exhausted as she pulled into the garage and turned off the engine.  She was technically late getting home, but that wasn't really unusual.  Anything before ten meant she was doing just fine.

Honestly, between her surgical residency and raising her four siblings, admittedly with the help of her boyfriend, she was surprised she managed to get out of bed more or less on time most days.  Everything about her life was just exhausting.

Dragging herself and her bags from the car, she shuffled into the house and down the hallway to find Charlie in the family room.  The teen was stretched out on the floor, with his head propped up on the couch behind him, a bowl of chips by his right hand, a history textbook in front of his face and the TV on some kind of monster movie.  His blue eyes were fixed on the movie but he greeted her with a bored-sounding, "Hey."

"Are you learning by osmosis or what?" she asked tiredly as she walked to the kitchen to dump her lunch bag on the counter.  When he was contorted like that, she couldn't talk to him directly since it made her neck hurt just to look at him.

"Pretty much," he answered.

"How was-"

"School was fine, everyone's fine.  Nothing happened," he cut off her typical line of questioning.

That was the last push she needed to just end the day right there.  Abandoning her used lunch containers to their unwashed state for the night, and ignoring the fact that she hadn't had dinner, she announced, "I'm going to bed."

"'Kay," he answered as she went for the stairs.  "'Night."

"Love you too!" she called back to him with a snort.

Once upstairs, Clarke dropped her bag of used scrubs in the laundry room then began her rounds of the kids' rooms.  She peeked in on Cole to find him fast asleep, one arm hanging off his bed and she gently placed this next to him so he didn't wake up with a crick in the morning.  Cam was similarly asleep, though in a far more comfortable position, so she just smiled down at him and crept out of his room.

Seeing the light still on in Cassi's room, she knocked on the door quietly. 

"Come in!"

When she walked inside the half-messy room, with clothes strewn about on the bench at the end of the bed and on the desk, Clarke found her little sister sitting up in bed.  Already in her pajamas, she had just put down a book and smiled widely.

"Hi Clarke!"

"Hi.  You're in a good mood," she said, giving her a quick hug before backing off.  "I'm gross right now, otherwise I'd hug you more."

"I had a good day," Cassi replied, somewhat shyly, before regaling her with a tale of middle school triumphs gone well.  Clarke basically understood the highlights, if not the details - that Jackie and Charlotte weren't fighting anymore, which was good for the play rehearsal, and that Kyle got in trouble finally for his annoying of everyone, and that Charlie wasn't mean for once at home.

"Sounds like a great day," she agreed.  "But it's getting late.  You should be asleep soon."

"I know.  That's why I'm reading, not on my phone."  Cassi pointed to her desk, were presumably the phone currently was.  "I remembered what you said about screens."

"Okay.  I just don't want you too tired for school tomorrow."

"Are you going to have breakfast with us?"

Clarke nodded.  "Yeah, I should still be here for breakfast.  We'll catch up more then, okay?"

"Yeah, okay."

"What are you reading anyway?"

Cassi held up the book so that Clarke could read the title, but also announced, " _ Anne of the Island _ !  She goes to college in this one and she's dating someone who isn't Gilbert."  She said this last part very skeptically.

"Well, you don't necessarily meet someone you're going to spend your whole life with in elementary school," Clarke laughed.

"You mean she  _ doesn't _ end up with Gilbert?" Cassi squeaked.

"I'm not saying anything about it, just talking about real life," Clarke hastily reassured her.  "No spoilers for anything in the series."

Cassi snorted and sat back on her pillows.  "She better end up with Gilbert."

"And life's more than just who you end up with too, you know," Clarke added, suddenly aware about the message she might be sending.

Cassi rolled her eyes.  "Yeah, I know," she replied dismissively, already trying to refocus on her book.

"Okay, just so you know.  Good night."  Clarke bent down to kiss the top of her sister's head and then turned for the door.

"Good night!" the girl called after her.

With a smile on her face, Clarke closed her sister's bedroom door behind her and headed for her own room.  Inside, the lights were on but she could see the baby monitor wasn't in its usual place next to Bellamy's side of the bed so she wandered towards the bathroom.  Soon enough, she heard the telltale sound of the shower being run and she smiled, pleased that she had gotten home in time for this part of the evening.

Clarke walked into the bathroom, then leaned against the sinks to watch as Bellamy showered behind the clear glass doors.  With this back to her and his head bowed so that the water could cascade over his black locks, she took more than a few moments to appreciate the display.  The definition of his muscles, the subtle contrast of golden-hued skin to a cooler almond shade below his waist, the glorious curve of his perfectly sculpted ass…

She let herself enjoy the view for a couple of minutes before the urge to join him overwhelmed her.   "Hey," she greeted him, already beginning to pull off her top.

Bellamy half-turned in the stall, glancing over his shoulder and giving her a smirk.  "I was wondering how long you would be objectifying me for," he teased.  "Coming to join me?"

"It's not objectifying," she denied as she hastily scrambled out of the rest of her clothes, hopping momentarily on one foot after her pants' leg got stuck.  "I was merely evaluating and ultimately rejecting your previous statement about being okay not having biological children.  It would be criminal to remove yourself from the gene pool."

He laughed, pushing his hair back and turned around completely to watch her.

"Naturally, I volunteer my own eggs and womb," she continued, dropping her last sock in the untidy pile and then walking towards the shower as she shook out the remains of her braid.  "You know, in a couple of years."

"I'll take your generous offer under advisement," he said wryly as he opened the door to let her inside.  

"It is generous," she sniffed. "I don't offer time in my womb to just anyone."  Once inside, she shut the door behind herself and crowded against his chest when his arms looped around her hips.  "Hi," she added with a smile.

"Hi," he answered before ducking his head for a kiss.  

The moment their lips touched, she sighed and relaxed completely against him.  With a slow swipe of his tongue, she opened her mouth to him, enjoying the feel of his body pressed against hers and relaxing completely against him.

Carefully, never breaking the kiss, he guided her back towards the wall to the right of the showerhead, protecting her body from the water with his own.  Only once she felt the steam-warmed tile at her back did he move his lips to her neck and she buried a hand in the wet curls at the back of his head, smiling over his shoulder.  

Despite living together and sleeping in the same bed every night, they didn't often get a chance to fool around.  Either one or the other was too tired, or they were interrupted by one of the kids needing something, or they were too busy to get a moment alone together before they went to sleep on most days.  Honestly, she was  terribly jealous of how often Raven got to have sex with her boyfriend, Murphy, and the pair didn't even live together.  But they only had one kid between them, a six year-old two grades ahead in school, so it was a lot easier for them to make time for one another.

Not that Clarke dismissed her and Bellamy's easy, non-sexual intimacy lightly, but cuddling with her boyfriend every night didn't give the same shiver of pleasure as his hand sliding up her side to palm her breast or his thumb brushing her nipple gently.  She mewled quietly, pushing herself closer to him and letting go of all the thoughts swirling in her head.

"Miss me?" she whispered, guiding his mouth back to her lips and stealing his ability to reply for a time.

She lost herself in the kiss, enjoying the pressure of his body against hers, the gentle yet insistent caress of his tongue.  Only when she was about to pull away for a desperate breath did he murmur, "What was your first clue?"

It made her giggle, though that soon turned to a gasp when he grabbed at her leg to hitch it over his hip, leaving her completely open to him.  Bellamy's lust-darkened eyes locked with hers as his hand slid tantalizing up her thigh and she gripped his shoulder, trying to steady herself.

"This is so dangerous," she warned him, involuntarily thinking of all the shower accidents she'd treated as a doctor, even as she flexed her hips, trying to get him to touch her center.

He grinned wolfishly, leaning into her again and she moaned with the press of his length against her core.  "Should I stop?" 

Clarke shook her head hastily.  "God, no.  But…"

"But?" he asked, cocking an eyebrow.

"I really don't need foreplay."  She'd been wet from the moment she got a good look at him in the shower.

At his teasing laugh, she whined.  "It's been two weeks...at least.  And you look like...that."  She didn't quite understand how she ended up with someone so ridiculously attractive and their getting together hadn't dulled her desire for him in the slightest.  If anything, it was worse, because she knew that he was as good as he looked in bed.

"Whatever the hell you want," he promised around a grin, then moved swiftly to urge her other leg up.  

He plunged into her with a smooth thrust and she groaned at the feel of him stretching her just the perfect amount.  He set a fast, hard, grinding rhythm immediately, one that took her breath away.   

She moved with him, pushing her hips into his with every thrust, getting the right amount of friction to get her core tightening quickly.  She clenched down once, pulling a moan out of him, but quickly lost control, as her walls began to flutter around him.

"Oh god," she groaned, hardly believing she was so close, so fast, and she tried to suck in a calming breath, to ride the wave of pleasure just a little longer.  But then she felt him swell inside of her with his own impending release and it sent her over the edge with a sharp cry.

Clarke felt the rush of him deep inside, and pushed against him as she worked through the aftershocks of her own orgasm as he buried his head in the crook of her shoulder.  She let her hands slide down his back, still cradling his body tightly with her legs, and tried to catch her breath.

Once their heartbeats slowed to something approaching normal, he lifted his head and they exchanged lazy kisses as he softened inside of her, until he sucked in a breath and gave her a smile.  "Ready to stand again?"

She nodded and he carefully eased her down until her feet could touch the tile floor.  Still, he held onto her arms until she assured him she was steady.

"Now I'm extra sleepy," she admitted with a low laugh.

"When I did all the work?" he teased, kissing the side of her mouth as she pushed him playfully.  "At least we're already in the shower to clean up," he added.  "Come on, let's get clean so we can go to bed," he invited as he steered her into the spray of the water.

They spent a few minutes actually getting soaped up, but somehow, Clarke ended up back in his arms, her eyes closed and her back to his chest as he gently scrubbed down her arms with the bath sponge.  Still, within a minute, his hands were back on her breasts, smoothing the suds around her nipples and massaging her into a pleasant lull. 

"I think my breasts are clean," she mentioned dryly, not bothering to open her eyes, after several minutes.

"Are you sure?  I could always-"

"Mmm, I'm sure."  She tipped up her chin, opening her eyes to smirk at him.

"So sue me.  You've got a pair of perfect breasts and I'm still not over the fact that I can touch them."  Bellamy pressed a kiss to her lips quickly.  "But you're right.  I help you much more and you're going to relax right into sleep here in the shower."

Clarke sighed happily, closing her eyes again and leaning back against him.  "Well, if that's the case, go ahead.  You can just carry me to bed later."

"Oh no, lazy."  He tickled her side, making her yelp.  "Come on, I'm not going to do all the work here."

She stuck out her tongue at him, then wrinkled her nose.  "Fine then, but you have to get out of the shower.  You're a distraction," she informed imperiously.

"I'm the distraction?  You joined me in the shower," he reminded her, even as he opened the door.

"You  _ asked _ ," she replied tartly before turning back to getting the rest of herself clean.

By the time she turned off the water and stepped out of the shower, Bellamy had already dried himself, pulled on a pair of pajama pants, and he was brushing his teeth by the sinks.  He'd brought in one of her most comfortable oversized shirts for her as well, and so she kissed his cheek in thanks after wrapping herself in a towel.

"I'm going to check on Cam and head to bed," he told her after he was done with his teeth.

"Peek in and make sure Cassi finally went to sleep too.  She was still up reading when I checked on her," she suggested after spitting out a mouthful of toothpaste.

He nodded, giving her a two-fingered salute and she smiled at his retreating back before going back to getting ready for bed.

Ten minutes later, Clarke crawled into bed and immediately slid over so she could wrap herself around Bellamy, draping her arm over his chest, laying her head near his heart and curling a leg around his.  "This is my favorite part of today," she murmured.

His body rumbled beneath her and she closed her eyes as she felt his fingers tangle in her still-damp hair.  "I'll try not to take offense to that," he teased quietly.

"It's not that I didn't think the sex was good-" He snorted beneath her.  "Okay, great," she continued with a smile.  "But I like just being close to you.  Relaxed and happy."  That said, she realized they hadn't done their usual rundown of the day's events so she was compelled to ask, "Anything I need to know about with the kids?"

"Cam's fine and Cassi's light was out.  We can talk about everything else tomorrow.  Get some sleep," he soothed, fingers still gently brushing her scalp.  

"Mmm, no, tell me now," she directed, knowing that "everything else" definitely meant something was up.  "I want to just have breakfast with the kids, not get an update then too."  She opened her eyes, craning her neck to peer at him.  "Please?"

"Got an email from Cole's teacher about his distracting others in class…," he admitted, then tensed beneath her.  "I don't know why you weren't copied on it…"

Clarke frowned and pushed herself up.  "It's because they think you're the primary parent.  You went to his holiday concert, because I had to work, and you're the one who picked him up when he broke his arm, and you're the one who takes him to school if he misses the bus."  She could feel the bite in her words, even if she didn't mean to snap at him about the situation.  He couldn't help it.

"Well, what do you want, Clarke?"  Bellamy's mouth pulled to one side in annoyance and he put one hand behind his head as he looked up at her.  "I'm the primary caregiver right now.  That's how we work.  He's being a pest in class, but he's not doing anything really serious.  He needs a talking-to, but does it need to cut into the small amount of time you get to spend with him right now?  I don't think so and neither does his teacher."

"Doesn't mean I shouldn't be informed," she answered, aggravated.  

"Well, I just informed you, so consider yourself informed.  I talked to him this afternoon, I told him that if we get another complaint about his behavior, not only will he be punished in school, he'll be punished at home, and that if he's so eager to talk to these girls, he should invite them over to play, not bother them in class.  What would you have done differently?"

"Nothing, probably," she admitted with a huff.  "But that doesn't mean that I should hear about all this stuff after the fact.  I don't want to be known as the other one, the person they only see when things are really bad.  I feel like a….sometimes parent."

"Your job is ridiculously demanding.  So is mine, but in different ways.  That's why this works, right?  We've each got our roles.  I mean," he paused briefly as he sat up as well.  "I don't know that what we do is really all that different from what your parents did.  You said your dad was the parent who mostly talked to the teachers and attended the events.  Being a surgeon doesn't really allow for a lot of 1pm children's events in the middle of the day."

"I just…"  She stuck out her tongue, too tired to try and articulate what she was feeling.  Looking at him helplessly, she added, "You know?"

Bellamy wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her into his side.  "You want to be everything to everyone.  Which is not going to happen.  Besides, it means you can be the strict disciplinarian, like...the final judge, when one of the kids has an issue with me."

"You're just trying to make me feel better," she accused, though she smiled. 

"Yes.  And it's working.  So, how about we lay back down and get some sleep while we can?" 

She nodded, noticing for the first time that he looked as tired as she felt.  Stretching up to kiss his cheek, she murmured, "You're right.  Sleep sounds wonderful."

"Of course I'm right," he half-grumbled, but with with a smile on his face.  "Tomorrow is soon enough to deal with everything."

As Clarke settled back down, this time with her back to him so he could curl around her and slot a knee between her legs, one of the positions they'd found was actually comfortable for the both of them, she wondered if they would ever have time for a real vacation.  Because it would be nice for once to not have deal with anything in the morning.

 

* * *

 

Clarke's eyes fluttered open briefly as she felt Bellamy pull himself from the bed and she turned her head to frown at him as he got to his feet.  

"Sorry to you wake you.  Go on, sleep for another hour, I'll get the rest of the household moving," he invited, keeping his voice low.

"God, I love you," she answered, since the very words were music to her ears.  She closed her eyes, burrowing back into her pillow.  

"I get to take a nap when Cam naps, since Maddie isn't coming today, so it shakes out later," he informed her.

"I hate you," she grumbled sleepily.

"I know."  He sounded smug and she fell back asleep to the quiet sounds of him getting ready in the dark of their room.

When she opened her eyes not quite an hour later, she sighed before rolling out of bed.  She made quick work getting ready for the day, putting on fresh scrubs, packing spare clothing into her bag for the hospital and re-braiding her hair before heading downstairs.

Breakfast was in full swing, and Clarke knew she had only about ten minutes with the kids.  Not quite the meal she wanted to share with them, but at least it was better than nothing.  

"Good morning," she greeted her family cheerfully as she approached the kitchen table.  Cole gave her a grin as he chewed his breakfast, which looked to be Eggos cut into strips so he could dip them in syrup.  Cassi offered her a quiet, "Hey," too consumed by her spreading of almond butter and jam on her waffle and Charlie's headphones were already in his ears as he ate a full-on sandwich.

At least Cam greeted her properly, dropping his cuppie unceremoniously on the tray of his high chair and yelling out, "Mommy!"  

"Hi, little man."  She kissed the top of his head, then gently handed back his cuppie.  "Eat up, so you you can get big and strong like your brothers."  Her gaze flickered to Charlie as she straightened.  "And eat lunch for breakfast."

With his headphones in and his eyes on his phone, Charlie didn't answer her.

"He ate his first breakfast and was still hungry, so Bellamy gave him the sandwich from his lunch to eat too," Cassi reported, apparently grossed out by her brother's behavior.

"Made him another one," Bellamy reported, stuffing another wrapped sandwich into Charlie's lunch sack.  "Don't worry," he assured Clarke.  "He's only got another three or four years of eating like this.  It slows down when you're nineteen or so."

Clarke made a face and walked over to pour herself a cup of coffee.  "Just in time for Cole to start eating like that?"

"Yeah, pretty much," Bellamy chuckled, looking at the boy fondly.  "Better than the not-eating he does now.  Well, maybe we'll get a couple of years of a lull.  Shouldn't kick in until he's thirteen or fourteen."

"I eat," Cole defended himself, taking a huge bite of his syrup coated waffle.  

"Of course you do," Clarke agreed, grabbing the plate Bellamy handed her of her own waffles and settling in between the boys at the table.  "How's school?" she asked all the kids.

"The play's going good!" Cassi reported with a grin.  "I'm help Mr. Johnson with the directing now," she announced proudly.

"Really?  That's great!  What about the sets?"

"I'm doing that too, but, like, I'm in charge of that."

"I'm really seeing the resemblance here," Bellamy commented, getting a grin from both Clarke and Cassi.  

"Do you we have to sign up to get tickets?" Clarke asked her sister before taking a sip of her coffee.

"Everyone in the play gets four, and if we want more, we have to buy them."  Cassi wrinkled her nose.  "So we have to buy one."

"More than one," Bellamy interjected, taking a seat for himself with his own mug.  "I know the Kanes would like to come, and Bryan and Miller love the theater, so they're interested too."

"Yeah?"  Cassi seemed quite pleased at the news.

"Wells and Luna too," Clarke chimed in.  "I can ask Raven and Murphy too.  They might be interested."

"If Cole is going, Ethan is going to want to go, and that means his dad and Raven," Cassi noted, getting Cole's attention.

"Raven's coming?"

"Here we go," Bellamy murmured.

"We've got time to figure this out.  The play is when again?" Clarke asked her sister.

"March 18th!"  

"We've got time to figure it out then," Clarke noted in relief upon hearing they had a couple of months to get organized, sharing a glance with Bellamy.  She spent the next five minutes trying to keep the conversation going, and slipped in an admonishment for Cole for his recent classroom behavior, until Bellamy herded the older kids out the door in order for them to catch the bus.

"Looks like it just you and me, kiddo," she informed Cam.  He responded with a gap-toothed grin and babbled about his banana and Cheerios.

"You are definitely your daddy's kid," Clarke told him, wistful.  "Bellamy's all about food too."  She wondered if Cam would've picked up on their father's actual interests the way Cam and Charlie had, reaching out to brush at the curls that threaten to fall into his eyes.

The one year anniversary of their parents' deaths were coming up in a few weeks' time and she was dreading what they would do to memorialize them.  She knew she wouldn't be able to let the day pass without comment, but she wasn't sure if they need to do something official, including a trip to the cemetery, or if something else would be better for the kids.  Cassi and Charlie in particular still missed their parents keenly and she didn't want to do something to make their grief worse.

Bellamy found her like that, contemplative and quiet, a few minutes later.  "I'm going to take him for a haircut today," he announced.  "I'd do it here, but I feel like I need to keep his attention so that someone else can do the cut without him squirming too much."

Clarke straightened and nodded, unwilling to correct his assumption about the train of her thoughts.  "Nothing too short, please.  I like it when I can tousle his hair."

"I don't think he'd hold still long enough for too short hair," Bellamy assured her.  He filled her lunch sack, adding, "Could you do me a favor and rinse your lunch containers out in the future?  They get that dried on gunk when you don't."

She winced, then nodded.  "Yeah, yeah, I will.  Sorry, just got really busy yesterday."

He nodded, flashing her a quick smile to show he wasn't upset with her.  "Want me to get your travel mug ready?"

After a look at the time, she sighed and nodded again.  "Yes, thanks. I guess it is time to get moving, go save people," she jokingly complained, trying to shake off her morose mood.  She pressed another kiss Cam's cheek and got to her feet, spending some time getting her bags together.  She and Bellamy idly chatted about the upcoming weekend, trying to see if they could actually arrange for a family outing that would interest all the kids and not just one or two while still fitting in the budget.

"We can talk about it some more tonight," Bellamy offered as he put her lunch away and then handed her the travel mug.  "I can brainstorm some activities with the kids over dinner, if you don't make it in time."

"Okay," she acquiesced, smiling slightly as he picked up Cam and walked her to the door of the garage.  

"Have a good day, kick some ass," Bellamy rumbled before giving her a quick kiss.

Cam gave her a crinkle-fingered wave goodbye, laying his head on Bellamy's shoulder and Clarke tried not to feel a pang of jealousy.  The toddler only cried when separated from Bellamy; Clarke and the rest of his siblings barely rated a whimper on most days.

As she drove away, she wondered what that said about them all, that Cam didn't miss them more.

 

* * *

 

"Dr. Griffin.  I'd like to speak with you privately, if you have a moment."

Clarke tried not to wince at the words and thought she mostly succeeded as she pulled off her surgical gloves and gown.  Although Chief of Surgery, a position he'd ascended to after her mother's death, Titus was most commonly referred to as the Reverend, for his religious-like devotion to his career, an image helped by his shaved head and the fact that he never seemed to be in anything but a pair of scrubs.  He'd been head of cardiothoracic surgery beforehand, and Clarke knew from her mother's complaints that he'd been one of the hardest of her department chiefs to deal with, though his skill as a surgeon made the hospital board look away from his demeanor.  

"Of course, sir.  I have a few minutes before I need to check on how the patient is settling post-op."  She hoped she didn't sound as trepidatious as she felt.

The Reverend nodded once sharply and turned, clearly expecting her to follow him.  She hurried to keep pace and soon found herself in one of the small rooms that they kept family members waiting for news.  For a fleeting moment, she wondered if something had happened to one of her siblings, but she quickly pushed that dread feeling away, knowing that if it was serious, she'd have been called out of surgery.

He closed the door once she was inside and motioned to one of the chairs before taking a seat himself.  Without preamble, he began stiffly.  "We received word from John Hopkins today that you've been accepted into their cardiothoracic residency fellowship for third year residents under Dr. Cadogan.  Obviously, they want to coordinate with us your human resources information, but I am here to inform you that the hospital has already approved the temporary transfer."

Clarke actually felt her jaw go slack.  Bill Cadogan was one of the premier cardiothoracic surgeons in the world, a man whose work was routinely studied in medical schools.  He ran two prestigious fellowships - a third year program and a post-residency one, with the former serving as the feeder program for the latter.  He routinely turned down applications from surgeons who'd graduated from the Ivies and worked in the nation's top hospitals and competition to get in was fierce.  Clarke had only submitted hers after a girls' night in with Harper, Raven, and Octavia, when she'd had enough alcohol in her system to think it was a good idea.

"I...I...can't believe it," she finally managed a response, even though she couldn't quite comprehend how she'd been accepted.

To judge from her boss's face, neither did he.  "You'll be gone three months, but the hospital will continue your health care and other benefits during that time.  However, Johns Hopkins will assume your salary and insurance obligations during your time in their hospital.  I believe they also have a residence setup for you, which is provided gratis."

Clarke shook her head, trying to clear some of the cobwebs of surprise that were being spun.   "Wait wait.  I...uh, I didn't expect to get in, so I, uh, with my family situation, I don't know that I can get away for three months…," she began.  Getting into Cadogan's program was an incredible accomplishment, she knew that, but she also knew that she wasn't like most third year surgical residents.  She had four kids, a house to maintain, a schedule that only worked because she and Bellamy carefully worked to give the kids the life they were used to.  

She didn't think it was possible but his' expression got flatter.  "Are you saying you're going to  _ refuse _ to go to one of the most sought after training programs in the country?  You're the first doctor from this hospital to ever get into it."

"I-"  She immediately understood that he was mad over the fact that his unequivocal favorite, Lexa, had not been accepted.

He didn't seem to notice that she tried to answer his question.  "I don't think you understand the situation you are in, Dr. Griffin.  I know it is your intention to compete for an attending position here at the completion of your residency, but I have to tell you, out of all my third years, you have the least amount of surgical time, thanks to your...leave...last year.  You are not competitive for that spot at all."

She swallowed, knowing that the blood was draining from her face even as her heartbeat sped up in alarm.  She assumed that because it wasn't legal to use someone's emergency family leave against them in a hiring, she was in the same position as everyone else, but Titus effectively pointed out to her the loophole in her thinking.  Ultimately, she didn't look as good because she was behind her peers in practical training.

"But, this hospital would never overlook any candidate for an attending position who had training with Dr. Cadogan.  In fact, it would quite nearly obliterate any other faults we might have with a doctor."  Titus looked almost annoyed that he had to admit this to her and briefly, she thought his earlier meeting wasn't just with HR but also with hospital brass, maybe even Marcus Kane himself.

She took a breath, to steady herself.  "Are you saying that if I don't go to this fellowship, I can kiss any chance of staying here after my residency goodbye?"

"I can hardly make such a blanket statement."  But the way he said confirmed her worst fears.

Without the fellowship on her residency, she wasn't going to get that attending position.

The entire plan after her parents' death had been to minimize any disruption to her siblings' lives.  That meant staying in a house they could barely afford, so they could stay in the schools and neighborhood her parents had picked out, and that meant that Clarke had to keep a position at this hospital for at least the next sixteen years.  That was the plan; that was why Bellamy didn't have an official "regular" job, so he could be the homemaker for them all, that was why they lived in the house she could barely afford even after paying off the mortgage with the life insurance money.  As much as anything else, that house was the crowning achievement of her parents' lives after their children, and she wasn't about to let it go even though there weren't a lot of jobs for a surgeon in their hometown.  There was only one other hospital in their small city and she knew that the chances of her finding a position there after her residency at Arkadia were slim to none.

Not to mention that the only doctor she knew who worked there, Monty, absolutely hated it.

Clarke ruefully recalled Octavia's words the night she goaded her into applying for the fellowship.   _ What's the worst that can happen? _

_ Apparently, her job prospects could be threatened.  Or saved.  Depending on how you looked at it. _

She nodded, ignoring the sick feeling in her stomach and steeling her spine.  When it came to the kids, to her family, she knew they would always come first, making her decision for her.

  
  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bellamy knows they have some upcoming rough days...but he didn't expect this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay on this chapter, it was harder to write than I thought it would be. Much thanks to my beta, Anne!

"So because you sat still in the barber's chair, now you have to squirm?"

Cam merely grinned in response even as he jerked his shoulder away so his arm couldn't be threaded through the straps in his car seat.

"Come on, little man," Bellamy groused before finally getting Cam strapped in.  He shut the car door with a sigh, sliding into the driver's seat a moment later.  He heard a thump a moment later and when he glanced at the backseat via the mirror, he saw Cam had thrown his empty cuppie against the opposite car door.

"I see what kind of mood you're in, mister," he warned the toddler  "Good thing you're all strapped in with nowhere to go, and no toys to throw."

Cam whined, fussing against the straps of the car seat, enough so that that Bellamy thought about canceling the trip the store.  The kid clearly needed to run around some.  He eyed the sky and then checked the forecast on his phone before deciding that the weather wasn't too cold for January, so they could fit in a half hour at the playground and he could still stop by the store afterwards.

As they pulled up to the playground not too far from their neighborhood, he saw that he wasn't the only one with the same idea.  A few of the neighbors' nannies were there with their own small charges, including Lucinda, who watched a two and a half and a five year-old who lived down the street. Only a little older than himself, Lucinda had been working as a nanny for nearly twenty years and she wasn't shy about offering advice to the others about dealing with kids or their unruly parents.

She waved as he pulled Cam from his seat and then let him run towards the low plastic turtle that he liked to climb.  "Where's Maddie?" she called.

"Her mother took her visiting with her side of the family for a long weekend, so I just have this one until the kids get back from school this afternoon."  He waved to Brayden and Allison, who were both using the slide under Lucinda's watchful eye.  

"Lucky you."  She smiled slyly.  "How's Clarke?"  Since he'd gone from being the nanny to Clarke's boyfriend, Lucinda hadn't been able to resist making jokes.  "She the reason for this new haircut?" she asked, eyeing him skeptically.

"Good, we're good.  This is just what happens when you move suddenly in the barber's chair and then it has to get evened out.  Pretty sure Clarke is going to hate it," he replied dryly, self-consciously rubbing at the back of his head.  "How are your kiddos?" he asked, to change the subject.

"These are good, and mine at home are doing okay too.  One could be doing better in math, but."  She shrugged.  "It's not like I can help with that.  Math was not my subject."

"Not mine either.  Fortunately, Charlie's good at it, so he can help his siblings if we make him and if he needs help, we have a friend who is very good with math, so we have someone to ask for pointers."

They chatted amiably for awhile while the kids expended some energy, making plans to get the four together sometime in the next week to play.  Bellamy agreed with Lucinda that too much time just in their own little bubbles wasn't good for the kids development, though he wasn't as good as his neighbor at making sure Cam and Maddie got time with other kids.

By the time Lucinda was ready to take her charges home, Cam seemed run down enough that Bellamy dared the trip to the store.  He paused the cart by the display of flowers, reminded that it would soon be a year since the deaths of Jake and Abby Griffin.  Without even thinking about it, he reached out to brush at Cam's new-shortened hair.  "I'm sorry you won't remember them," he said before pushing on to get the items on his list.

Still, he wondered why Clarke hadn't spoken about it.  Chances were either she was too upset about it or she was just as lost as he was as to how to commemorate the date that the kids wouldn't want to acknowledge but probably needed to.  He wished he had some good advice to offer on the subject, but since he'd been in the Army on the first anniversary of his mother's death, hundreds of miles away from her grave, dealing with his sister's unruly behavior, they hadn't done anything at all.  And, ultimately, he and Octavia had a much different relationship with his mother than Clarke and her siblings had to their parents.

And then there was Valentine's Day after that.  Everything he knew about the Griffins suggested that they were people who celebrated that and that Clarke would want something...except their parents had died going on a Valentine's getaway weekend.  And while he'd already picked up some Marvel valentines for Cole to hand out in school - four packs, given the kid's behavior - he wasn't sure what, if anything, they should do.

And if they did do something, that meant this was his first Valentine's Day with someone he could see himself marrying in the future.  He had no idea what to do about that.  Fancy dinner at a restaurant?  Fancy dinner at home?  With the kids?  Without the kids?  He couldn't even conceive of a good present for her.

Bellamy continued to ponder this problem while getting lunch together for Cam and then making him sit on the little potty in the bathroom while he read a book before his naptime.  The toddler had shown only a little interest in the doings of the potty, but he didn't mind sitting on the potty if he was being entertained.  

Once he put the boy down in his crib, he left the door cracked and decided to flop on his own bed when his phone rang.  

"Hey, Murphy.  What's up?"

"I kept Ethan at home today.  He had a fever and the doctor's office said it's strep.  Anyway, you don't have to pick him up or anything."

"That sucks, I hope he feels better.  Thanks for letting me know though."  Bellamy's day just got that much easier.  But as long as he had Murphy on the phone, he figured he might ask him some of the question that had preoccupied him all day.

"You planning something special for Raven for Valentine's Day?"

There was a pause.  "Uh.  Not really?"

"What does that mean?"

"It means that I don't have the money to do shit at jacked up Valentine's prices.  I thought maybe we'd get takeout from her favorite place, watch a movie, eat some candy and bone."

"Real classy," Bellamy snorted.  "And what kind of present are you getting her?"

"Lingerie."

"You can't be this cliche."

"Whatever," Murphy ignored his derision easily.  

"But seriously, lingerie?"

"It's not because I'd like it," Murphy answered easily, without a hint of embarrassment.  "She likes lingerie.  Like, really girly stuff.  She didn't wear it often though, I don't know, but now she's wearing it more, under her regular clothes.  Makes her feel good.  So, yeah, I'd get her something I think she'd like, and I know she'd get use out of it."

Bellamy blinked and wondered when he'd learn to stop underestimating Murphy.  "Huh.  I guess I never pictured Raven like that."

"I'd rather you didn't picture her at all, but she's fucking hot in that stuff, yeah, so I get off on it too."

Of course, when he said shit like that, it was easy to remember why he did think of Murphy as a creep.  "Again, real classy."

He could almost hear his friend shrug over the phone.  "Personally, I like her naked, but she's got to wear clothes thanks to our puritanical society."

Bellamy stifled his laughter.  That was the thing about Murphy.  He came off as this weird, sort of creepy jerk, but he used words like "puritanical" in conversation and thought a lot more about other people than you might think.  "Not to mention, you've got a kid, and all."

"Raven could be painted blue and Ethan wouldn't care, as long as she still built cool shit and talked to him about engineering and math," Murphy admitted.  

"Well, I think Ethan's a bit better about that than Cole," Bellamy acknowledged.  "He's definitely way more into looks than he should be.  He's trying to flirt with girls during class now."

Murphy laughed.  "Damn, that kid's going to be a dad in his teens."

Bellamy winced, placing an arm behind his head.  "I'm working on it, trying to calm him down so that doesn't happen."

"I'd put my money down on Clarke being a 'grandma' by the time the dude's fifteen."

"Why are we friends again?" Bellamy asked sourly.

"As Raven would say, it's because I'm awesome.  Later, Blake."

Bellamy scoffed, then tossed the phone on the bed beside him and closed his eyes.  At least he could make good on his words to Clarke and try to fit in a nap while Cam slept.

 

* * *

 

Bellamy closed the door to the oven and set the timer for twenty minutes when he heard the garage door go off.  

"Clarke's home!" Cassi called unnecessarily from the dining room.

"Yeah, I can see that," he replied, turning towards the hallway.  Sure enough, Clarke appeared, looking her usual tired, stressed self, even though she was early by their standards.  

"Hey," he greeted, offering her a smile as he came out from behind the counter to take her lunch bag from her.  "Slow day at the hospital?"

"Uh, not really."  She glanced up at him while shuffling the bags on her arms, then blinked, her mouth dropping slightly.  "What did you do to your hair?" she asked, horrified.

Bellamy winced, having heard all about his haircut from Cassi, who decidedly was not a fan either.   While it wasn't quite as short as his military cut, his curls hadn't survived his sudden lurch in the chair to prevent Cam from grabbing at the razor's power cord.  "Cam squirmed, I reached for him to make sure he didn't hurt himself and the barber took a little too much off.  So it kind of all had to come off."  He shrugged.  "It's just hair; it'll grow back.  Cam's is fine though.  Not too much, like you said."

Of course, as he'd known immediately once it'd happened, Clarke was disappointed.  She'd made no secret of how fond she was of his hair, often running her fingers through it even if they weren't mid-coitus.  

"I mean, you still look good, you always look good, just...I don't know."  She made a disgusted face, but she soon clarified that she was upset with herself.  "I'm being so rude, I'm sorry.  It's your hair, your body, you can do what you like, and you don't look bad by any stretch, I just… I'm being a shitty person right now, I'm sorry."  She dumped her bags in a heap by the kitchen island and made an effort to smile.  "You do look good.  Like a clean-cut athlete."

But her smile didn't reach her eyes and he knew instantly that something was up, something more serious than his unexpectedly different appearance.  "Clarke, what's wrong?  I know it's not my haircut."

She bit her lip and nodded, pulling the strap of her bag with her extra clothes in it over her shoulder.  "Uh, do you have a moment to talk before dinner, upstairs?"  She glanced around, gaze pausing on Cam who was flipping through a board book slowly.  "Where are the others?"

"Charlie's downstairs, the other two are in the dining room, finishing homework.  Gabe was picked up fifteen minutes ago," Bellamy reported.  He pushed down his unease, turning slightly to call out.  "Cassi?  Can you keep an eye on Cam for a couple of minutes?  I need to run upstairs for a moment."

"Fine," Cassi called.  Clarke turned, already heading for the stairs, but Bellamy waited until the girl was settled on the couch and reaching for the remote before he jogged upstairs.

He found Clarke in their bedroom, facing the door and waiting for him with an upturned chin.  Whatever she wanted to say, she obviously didn't think he'd like it.  He preemptively shut the door to their room and waited.

She sucked in a loud breath and then blurted out, "I'm leaving in a week to go to Baltimore.  I'm going to be there for three months.  I have to, for my job, for them, and uh, I need you to be okay with it and help me tell the kids."

He blinked, trying to find the words to reply while his body went into some sort of icy shock.  Finally, he managed, "You're leaving us for three months?"

"I _have to_.  I was accepted into this prestigious program at Johns Hopkins and the hospital expects me to take it.  There is nothing I can do about it; they were already taking care of the paperwork, insurance and payroll, all that, before they even told me!" Clarke informed him.  

Bellamy swallowed and his brow furrowed in confusion.  "They can just do that...send you away to work somewhere else for awhile?"

Clarke opened her mouth and paused, before nodding.  "Basically.  I'm under contract.  They say 'work with the ambulances tonight,' I have to do that.  They say 'work over at this surgery center,' I have to do that."

"So…"  He closed his eyes, attempting to understand.  "Is this something everyone has to do in your program?"

"It's...not uncommon, to try to get a fellowship or something like that in your third or fourth year, or even after residency, a post-residency position that isn't an attending.  You don't want..I mean, it's better for you to have more than one hospital's training under your belt," she explained, closing the distance between them.  "But I knew it would be hard, with the kids, so I only applied to one, one I didn't think I'd get into.  And that's why the hospital is so adamant I go; no one from Arkadia has gotten in before."

He felt her hands settle on his arms and watched her earnest expression as her eyes met his, but it was all muffled, like he was trapped underneath a heavy blanket.  "So you go for three months and me and the kids stay here."

She nodded.  "Yeah.  But everything else is the same.  I'll still be putting my paychecks into the household account, which you have access to.  If I can, I'll try to come back for a couple of days here and there.  I'll talk to you everyday, if you need to reach me, you can.  It's just Baltimore, not the other side of the world."

That spurred something within him.  "But if it was the other side of the world?  You'd still go."

Clarke didn't reply right away, just pulled her gaze away from his.  "This is something I need to do.  For them.  For us."

"Right," he answered hollowly and her hands dropped from his arms.  "I guess you've made up your mind anyway, so what's the point of talking about it?"

"We...have to tell the kids, make plans…"

"We?  Now it's a 'we' thing, huh?" he asked, turning away and blowing out a breath.  

"Bellamy…"

He shook himself, trying to clear the fog of anger and trepidation in his head.  "I gotta get dinner on the table.  Tell the kids whatever you want.  I'll be here for them," he told her shortly before jerking the door open and heading down the stairs.

Going through the familiar steps of pulling the tray of enchiladas, getting the rest of the food on the table and herding the kids to their seats helped calm him, but watching everyone pile into their chairs made him all the more anxious for Clarke's announcement.

Clarke seemed calm by comparison, asking the kids about their days at school while everyone filled their plates.  He'd just set a plate of cut up chicken and rice in front of Cam along with his little spoon when Clarke cleared her throat.

"So, guys, I have to tell you all something."

Charlie eyed his sister suspiciously while Cassi frowned, though Cole simply continued to push his food around on his plate.

"I'm...I have to go Baltimore, for work, starting next week," Clarke began, only to be interrupted.

"For how long?" Cassi demanded as her fork dropped, already looking stressed out.

"That's the thing; it'll be three months long.  It's a kind of a program, surgical training with this really good surgeon, and the hospital expects me to go."

"What?!" Cassi screeched, hopping to her feet.

Charlie glowered at his sister.  "Yeah, sure, why not?  Not like you're doing anything here, right?"

Clarke glanced at Bellamy quickly and he instantly knew she wanted him to jump in to help.  But instead, he focused his attention on Cam, pushing his cuppie of milk closer to the toddler and away from the high chair tray's edge.

He didn't miss her hurt look as she refocused her attention on the other kids.  

"Charlie, it's not like that.  This is important, if I want to keep my job at the hospital long term, to support all of us."

Charlie eyed Bellamy for a moment, his stare accusing.  "Right, sure.  All of us."  He pushed back his plate, still mostly full.  There was no clearer sign that the teen was upset.

"You're going to miss my play," Cassi hissed at her sister.  "And Cam's birthday!"

"And the anniversary of our parents' death, but I guess you're just over that, right?" Charlie accused.

It was clearly a reminder for Cassi, whose eyes immediately filled with tears.  "What's wrong with you?!"

Cole had gone white-faced and silent, but he had that look that Bellamy knew meant that tears were on the way for him as well.  Unable to stay out of it any longer, he quickly spoke up.  "Guys, she's not doing this to you.  She's doing it for you."

Clarke flashed him a look of gratitude, but it fell on deaf ears.

"Right.  All her decisions are about _us_ ," Charlie bit out sarcastically, standing from the table.  "Like you.  That was about us too.  Sure."  He didn't wait for any reply, stalking away and slamming into the basement.

"How can you just _leave us_?" Cassi demanded, her face red and tears streaming down her face.

"I'm not leaving you!  I have to do this, but I'll be back.  I'd take you all with me, but it's better if you guys stay here while I'm gone, so you don't interrupt school.  And you have Bellamy here, and-"

"It's always what you think!" Cassi retorted.  "What about what _we_ think?"

"Cassi…," Bellamy began, understanding her point completely.  

"I don't think you care about us at all!" Cassi continued, ignoring Bellamy and running away from the table a moment later.

Cole sniffled from his seat, though Cam sat through the yelling placidly, eating his food determinedly.  Bellamy slid over to put an arm around the older boy.  "It's okay," he told him, rubbing his shoulder comfortingly.

Clarke looked torn between following one or both of her siblings, and staying to talk to Cole.  "It's not forever," she finally said.  "Just three months.  I'll be back before you know it."

But Cole didn't respond, hiding his face in Bellamy's side.

"I don't think he wants to talk to you right now."

"Yeah, I got that," Clarke answered Bellamy acidly.

He narrowed his eyes at her and they stared at each other over Cole's head for a moment before Clarke looked away.  "I'm going to try to talk to Cassi," she all but mumbled, getting to her feet and heading upstairs.

Bellamy turned back to Cole.  "Hey, buddy," he started, modulating his voice into something more soothing.  "It's okay.  I know it's upsetting, but Clarke's not going to be away forever."

"I don't care about that," came Cole's muffled reply, his head still buried in Bellamy's shirt.  

Bellamy stopped, stunned.  "Then what is it, buddy?"

Cole pulled back slightly, his head low.  "I forgot to write to Mom and Dad," he nearly whispered.

Since his parents' death, Cole had been writing at least a letter a month to them, which he'd give to Clarke to deliver to their gravesite.  Of the three older kids, Bellamy thought that his grieving process was a lot better than Charlie's or Cassi's, who tended to shut down completely or weep uncontrollably, respectively.  He'd thought that Cole, being younger, might not have been as affected, simply because he didn't have as much time with them.  But he hastily revised his opinion, as it occurred to him why Cole hadn't been as overtly emotional about their deaths.

For the first time, he suspected that Cole was essentially pretending they weren't dead.  Just...away.

But now, having forgotten to write them and Clarke actually leaving, but planning to return, he was confronting a truth he had been avoiding for nearly a year.

Bellamy sucked in a breath, scrambling mentally.  Finally, he asked, "Did I ever tell you about my parents?"

Cole shook his head, sad brown eyes blinking at him.

"Well, uh."  He scratched the side of his neck.  "My dad died when I was a little older than Cam is now.  I only have one memory of him.  He was cooking and he put some food on my plate and I didn't like it, and I threw it on the floor.  He laughed and told me that I could have just said, 'no,' instead."  

"Cam does that," Cole noted after a sniff.

Bellamy chuckled.  "Yeah, he does.  I guess I have something in common with him."  He smiled affectionately at the toddler, who grinned back at him.  "Uh, but.."  He continued, turning back to Cole.  "With my mom, she died when I was a few years older than Charlie is.  I have lots more memories of her, of course.  But, you know, it still hurts the same way, for both of them.  Because when someone you love dies, their story is over, but yours goes on.  And they were such a big part of your story, it's hard to think that your story could go on without them in it."

Cole furrowed his brow, but nodded.

"But, the thing is, they're still a part of your story.  I think I like cooking because of my dad.  I'm all about taking care of my family, because of my mom.  They're still a big part of my story, they'll always be a big part of my story, because who they were made me who I am.  Even if I'm not thinking about them, they're still a part of me, and I can't forget them because they are a part of me.   And it's the same for you.  You maybe didn't write your parents a letter, but you're still Cole Griffin, and that means you're their son, and they're a part of you.  You can't forget them anymore than you can forget to breathe."

"Yeah?"

Bellamy nodded, then pulled Cole close for another hug.  "But if you want to, you can write them another letter right now, and I'll take it over to them tomorrow when you're in school, okay?"

Cole nodded quickly, so Bellamy pressed a kiss to his head and then got to his feet.  "Do me a favor, try to eat a little something while I get you some paper?"

The boy shrugged, reluctantly picking up his fork, but Bellamy had no illusions about whether any food would actually be gone by the time he got back to the table.  Sure enough, Cole immediately abandoned his dinner as soon as he was given a paper and pencil, but Bellamy decided to let him be while he made sure Cam finished his dinner and he cleaned up everyone else's plates.

The yelling began upstairs as he was covering the tray to put in the fridge, but a glance at the kids told them they hadn't really noticed.  He decided to distract them by making Cole a grilled cheese sandwich and then giving them both some cookies, and by the time Cam was ready for bed and Cole for a bath, Clarke stomped downstairs.

As she rounded the corner, she pulled her expression from one of frustration to one of careful openness, focusing on her second youngest brother.  "Are you feeling a little better, sweetie?  Do you want to talk about it?"

Cole went past her without a word or a glance, like she wasn't even there, bounding up the stairs quickly.  Even Bellamy was shocked.

"What. The. Hell," Clarke demanded, rounding on Bellamy with a hurt expression..

But there was something about her tone that rubbed Bellamy the wrong way.  "You decided to drop a bombshell on the family and are, what, surprised when they didn't take it well?" he snapped at her.

"That is _not fair_ , I-"

"I don't want to hear it," he cut her off, shaking his head.  "Anymore than the kids do.  You want to help right now?  You can put Cam to bed while I get Cole in the bath.  Failing that, just eat your dinner.  There's a plate in the oven for you.  But don't even think about trying to talk to Charlie right now, because you'll just make things worse."

She took a step back like she'd been slapped and for a moment, he felt the sharp pang of regret.  But her expression hardened a moment later.  "If you had helped at dinner, maybe it wouldn't be this bad," she accused, moving quickly to take Cam from his arms.

"Keep telling yourself that, Princess."

He hurried away before she could reply, practically running upstairs to get the bath ready for Cole and then, admittedly, hiding out in the laundry room while Cole got himself clean and Clarke put Cam down the night.  Once he saw that Cole had slipped into his room, he hunkered by his bed.

"Do you want to read a story tonight?"

Cole shook his head, burrowing his feet under his covers.  "You're going to make sure they get the letter tomorrow?

"I promise, buddy."  Bellamy helped to tuck him in, but stayed after Cole reached out to him.  "Did...did you want to talk about your parents, maybe?"

Cole looked torn, before saying, "No, I think I do want a story."

Bellamy nodded and pulled _So You Want To Be A Wizard_ from his bookshelf, glad that he'd brought the series up to Cole's room the week before, and settled in against the headboard to start reading.  He made it into half of Chapter Two before Cole's eyes closed, and to Chapter Three by the time the boy was actually asleep.

When Bellamy stepped back into the hallway, he saw the door to his bedroom with Clarke closed.  He paused, debating whether to join her, then decided he had to at least check on Charlie before he faced her again.

In the kitchen, he saw that Clarke had eaten, or at least put away her plate, so he warmed up another plate, grabbed a can of soda from the fridge, and made his way downstairs to Charlie's room.  He shuffled the items in his hands until he could knock on the teen's door.

"I told you to go away, Clarke!"

"It's not Clarke," Bellamy rumbled.  He paused, then added, "I have food."

Charlie opened his door a few seconds later, reaching for the food before Bellamy pulled it back slightly.  "If you take this, I get to come in and talk to you," he warned.

The teen glared at him but nodded, taking the plate and the soda and stalking towards his desk.  Bellamy followed him into his room, shutting the door behind himself and then taking a seat on the old armchair they'd relocated from the family room a few weeks before.

"I'm not here to convince you that Clarke leaving for three months is a good idea," Bellamy began, getting a snort out of Charlie.  "Right now, it's just something we have to deal with.  I'm here because I want to talk to you about the anniversary coming up."

Charlie's shoulders tensed and he put down his fork to turn and face him.  "What about it?" he bit out.

"Since Clarke isn't going to be here, it's going to be up to us to figure out what to do for it.  I think," Bellamy informed him, picking his words carefully, keeping his tone gentle.  "I think we need to go to the cemetery, I think it'll be important for Cassi and Cole.  But after that, I'm not sure what to do."

"She didn't plan anything?" Charlie ask thinly.

"I don't know if she did.  I'm saying that with her not here, it doesn't matter as much," Bellamy answered.  

That got a hint of a smile out of Charlie.  "Yeah, I'll say."   He sobered after a second, nodding.  "I'll...think about it."  He picked at a piece of cheese on his plate, noting, "The funeral was weird."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah.  I mean...uh, this guy, I guess maybe he was a reverend or something, gave a speech, and Clarke said something while I held the baby, and then we went to the cemetery.  All these people who our parents worked with, they came up to say stuff to Clarke and then we were here and had some food or whatever, but mostly me and the kids, we stayed down here.  We watched Cinderella and Cars 2 and when everyone left, Clarke let us know it was safe to go back upstairs," Charlie described.  "Cassi made herself sick the next day and..I dunno...I think we were all in pajamas or something for a week.  Clarke ordered takeout everyday, and the Kanes stopped by with some food every other day, the Jahas too.  But she was busy, doing all the paperwork stuff.  Getting custody.  Insurance stuff."

"Yeah, I'll bet.  It was tough when my mother died, handling that just for Octavia.  With four of you, plus a house…"  Bellamy trailed off.  "Is there something you would have wanted to do instead, to remember them, or memorialize them?  Because if there is, we can do that."

Charlie nodded.  "Yeah...yeah.  I'll think about it," he repeated, looking thoughtful.

"Okay then."  Bellamy got to his feet, glad that Charlie's anger wasn't going to interfere with his appetite anymore.  

Charlie looked him over for a moment, then asked, "Why are you letting her go?"

"Letting her?"  He scoffed.  "Do you know your sister at all?"

Charlie rolled his eyes.  "You know what I mean.  You're not fighting her about this.  And it's stupid and it's wrong.  She's barely here now.  She's supposed to be here, with us."

Bellamy understood the vehemence in Charlie's voice.  More than that, he agreed.  That Clarke couldn't see how much her siblings still needed her to be around, how much they were not okay with letting go of another parental figure so soon, boggled his mind.  But he also knew that she thought, she absolutely believed, she was making the right choice.

He didn't think Charlie would care to hear that, though, so he told him something else he thought was true.

"She never even asked my opinion before she made the decision.  I don't think she cares about it now," Bellamy admitted quietly.  He nodded to the plate left on the desk.  "Remember to bring that up in the morning, will you?"

"Yeah, I will."

Bellamy exchanged good nights with the teen, closing the door behind him.  As he trudged back upstairs, he debated the wisdom of checking in with Cassi, even going so far as to pause outside her door on the second floor.  Her light was still on, but after a minute arguing with himself, he decided that her confrontation with Clarke earlier was probably enough for the poor girl for one evening.

Which meant that he had no other reason for avoiding his own room.

With a sigh, he shut off the lights in the hallway and walked into the master bedroom.

Clarke sat on the edge of the bed, the cloth of the duvet curled under her right fist, clearly waiting for him.  She'd already changed into her pajamas, a pair of pink and white striped flannel pants and a white tank top that would have sparked his interest any other night.  

Instead, he dropped his gaze, closing the door behind him and heading for the bathroom.

"Bellamy, wait."

He stopped, even though he wanted to keep walking.  "What is it?"

"I...I want to talk about why I'm doing this.  And how we're going to do this," she started and he could hear her walking over to him.

"The why doesn't matter when you've already made the decision.  And the how?  The how is me.  I'm going to keep the house running, the kids safe and fed and clean, and you're just going to be the paycheck for three months."  He finally looked at her, to see her disappointed and troubled expression.  

"It's more than that, these are my kids, I have to-"

"Clarke, spare me.  You're getting a three month timeout from the kids just when things are starting, maybe, to be okay for them.  And while you're in Baltimore, I'm going to have to deal with them and everything that's going to come up.  So if all you want to do is try and justify your decision to me, I don't care.  It's been a long day, tomorrow will be another one, we have things to arrange for your impending disappearance, and I just want to take a shower and go to bed. If that's okay with you, of course."

"I...it's not…"  Clarke frowned, but nodded.  "Fine, we can talk tomorrow," she acquiesced, turning away from him quickly.  

He immediately felt remorse about what he'd said, but determinedly strode into the bathroom instead.  Standing under the hot water, thinking about the way her shoulders had slumped as he'd lash out at her, he couldn't help but feel disgusted with himself.  He didn't agree with her decision, couldn't, not with the way the kids were, but that didn't mean he had to be an asshole about it.

When he padded back out into the bedroom, Clarke had already turned off all the lights except the lamp by his side of the bed.  Curled onto her side, with her back facing him, he could tell that she wasn't asleep, but didn't break the silence as he pulled on a pair of pajama pants since he still didn't know what to say.

Bellamy slid into bed and reached over to turn off the lamp.  He settled back against his pillow, trying to get comfortable in the darkness that descended, but failing.  He and Clarke had only been together for five months, and some nights didn't sleep together, but he couldn't get over the feeling of tension coming off her frame just a couple feet away.  

Added to his own guilt about his outburst, he clenched his jaw a few times before venturing, "I'm mad, okay?  Yesterday, you were complaining about not being there for the kids enough, and today you make a decision to not be there for them at all for three months.  It's hard for me to….reconcile that.  I feel like I'm still in shock.  So, yeah, I'm not good for talking about logistics right now."

He listened as she sucked in a breath and then shuffled, turning over in bed to face him.  "I...get it," she replied, voice hushed.  "But it's like you said, I'm doing this for them, not to them.  Not to you.  I'm just trying to hold onto my job."

He wondered what it said about it him that he responded to her miserable tone.  That he was glad she felt awful.

Bellamy turned his head, then offered his arm to her.  "I know you wouldn't do this if you didn't think it was the right thing to do," he admitted, watching as she eagerly welcomed his embrace.  As she settled her head on his chest, he added, "I...three months is a long time and it's a bad time for you to be gone.  It's a lot to deal with, all of a sudden."

"I know," she murmured.  "As much as I can, I want to help.  But I need this, need it for my job."

And he understood that, god help him.

He sighed, rubbing her back.  "At least I have experience dealing with shitty situations.  We both do."

"Yeah," she agreed sadly.  "But I'm glad it's you that's here to help deal with this one."

He closed his eyes, hoping that tomorrow, he would deal with it all better.  He certainly hadn't impressed himself tonight.

 

* * *

 

"Well, I think it's bullshit," Murphy declared.  "You don't leave your kids."

"And I think if she was a man, you and everyone else would be like, 'Oh, yeah, that happens,'" Octavia retorted.

Bellamy closed his eyes, hoping that the two of them would shut up about Clarke's impending departure.  What was supposed to have been a low-key couples' dinner that Sunday evening at Lincoln's had turned into an argument behind Clarke's back, since she backed out last minute to spend some extra time with the kids before she left on Wednesday.  Of course, that wasn't going well either; he had a half dozen texts on his phone from her and the kids individually complaining about how the family time sucked, since everyone was still mad.

Still, he thought she had it better than him, sitting around the dining room table with Octavia, Lincoln, Murphy, Raven, Miller and Bryan.  Each of them had an opinion about Clarke and they weren't afraid to share it.

"I've had to work away from home because of a project," Raven noted, eyeing her boyfriend sidelong.

"Yeah, but, I'm sorry, you don't have a kid and you don't have a kid who is.."  Murphy glanced at Bellamy, who tensed, knowing what was coming.  "Look, her kids are a bit fucked up right now.  I'm sorry, Blake, but Cassi's a spazz, Cole's got real issues, even Charlie's clearly not okay.  It's understandable why they're that way, but come on, she's ignoring that."

Before Bellamy could even answer, Octavia allowed, "I'd agree that they could probably use some professional therapy.  They've gone through huge changes.  But that help doesn't need to come from Clarke."  She pointed the top of her beer bottle at Bellamy.  "You could arrange that."

"Don't you need to be a custodian or legal guardian to put kids in therapy?" Bryan asked.  He raised a hand quickly to Bellamy.  "No offense, but as I understand, only Clarke has the authority to do that.  So if it's going to be done, she has to do it."

Bellamy gritted his teeth.  "Actually, I have medical power of attorney over the kids right now.  We did that when she named me guardian in the event of her death, just in case there was an emergency when she couldn't be reached for permission and so I can sign their physical papers for school, let the school nurse give them aspirins or whatever."  

"Well, put them in therapy for fuck's sake," Murphy told him.  "What are you waiting for?"

Bellamy glared.  "You going to pay for that?  Maybe I should up my prices for child care.  Not to mention getting them there, picking them up, along with all the other stuff they have to do with school."

Murphy gave him a thin look, knowing that he got away with paying Bellamy as little as he did to watch Ethan after school because Bellamy knew he couldn't afford more.

"It sounds like it's not a good time for her to go then," Miller interjected.

"You guys are incredible, you know that?" Octavia burst out.  "She's got a fantastic opportunity to advance her career, one that's going to help the kids longterm because she'll get some real bargaining power, and you want her to give that up!"

"I don't think she has a choice either," Raven agreed.  "It's her job.  You go where they tell you if you want to keep it.  Hell, if it hadn't been for the law, they could've and probably would've fired her after she took leave when her parents died."  She turned to Murphy.  "If she had been in your situation, just alone, yeah, okay, maybe she has to say no and deal with the consequences.  But she doesn't."

"You're saying if you had a kid, you'd be okay with walking away for three months?" Murphy asked her tensely.  

Raven leaned back, her expression hardening.  "I'm saying that if I knew the kid was safe and well-cared for, and I could do something for them long term by being away, I would do it," she corrected him hotly.

Lincoln cleared his throat as the couple glared at each other.  "I think it's hard to make a decision about children unless you are actually confronted with the situation."  He glanced at Bellamy.  "Did anyone see that new construction project by State and Fourth streets?  I wonder what they're building there."

Everyone knew the blatant change in subject for what it was, but to Bellamy's relief, they accepted it.  Maybe they were as sick about arguing over something they couldn't change as he was.

After dinner, he sat in the living room nursing a beer with Miller and Lincoln, while the others lingered over dessert at the table.  Lincoln stretched out his legs, asking Miller, "Have you guys started the adoption process yet?  I know you were talking about it at Christmas."

"Yes and no.  We're still gathering information about what agency to work with and whether we want a closed or open adoption," Miller described, hooking an arm over the back of the sofa.  He smirked, adding to Bellamy teasingly, "'Course, we could just take one of yours off your hands, make your life a little easier."

Bellamy snorted.  "Yeah, which one of mine do you think is easy?"

"Maybe Cam right now.  He's a cheerful baby," Miller picked.

Bellamy laughed, shaking his head.  "Right, easy. You know we're potty-training now, right?  I'm doing the usual stuff, making him sit on the potty after every meal for a little bit.  Today, after lunch, pull him from his chair and put him down, but then Cole needs my help getting more juice.  I turn around, and Cam's gone.  Turns out, he went to the bathroom himself and decided to go potty."

"See?  That's what I'm talking about," Miller indicated with a hand wave, smiling at Lincoln.

"Oh, he decided to go potty...just not in the potty.  Or the toilet or the bathtub.  No, right there in the middle of the bathroom.  Comes back out with his diaper off, pee on his pants too, and grins at me on his way to play."

Both Lincoln and Miller laughed, and for a moment, Bellamy let himself enjoy the evening.  Soon enough, all his evenings would be about the kids, as a de facto single parent.  It wasn't something he was looking forward to by any stretch, but it was happening, and being morose and angry about the situation wasn't going to help anyone, especially the kids.

The best thing he could do is face it head on, get through these next three months, and then, life would settle back down to normal.  

He hoped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments, questions, kudos, etc. are all welcome!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke's heading to Baltimore and life changes for everyone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At long last, here is the next chapter. Sorry about the wait. Thanks as always to my beta, Anne!

Clarke watched Bellamy load her suitcase into the car, a frown on her face.  

"I know I shouldn't be surprised they don't want to go to see me off at the airport, but, I…"  She trailed off, unable to put her disappointment into words.

"Look at it this way.  How many times does Charlie volunteer to watch his siblings?  You've given them a common enemy," he answered drolly, shutting the hatch.

"Yeah, great, makes me a feel a lot better," she retorted, stalking around to the passenger side of the car and climbing inside.

Bellamy slid into the driver's seat, fastening his seatbelt.  "Parents are always the enemy.  You've been the enemy before, you'll be the enemy again.  I'm the enemy a lot too."  He glanced behind him, to give a smile to Cam in his carseat.  "Just ask him.  I evilly make him take a bath sometimes or make him clean his toys or eat food when he doesn't want to eat it."

She realized he was trying for humor, but they both knew that what she was doing now was a whole magnitude order higher.  Still, she gave him a weak smile, appreciating what he was trying to do.  "Right."

Clarke watched forlornly as they pulled out of the garage and started down the street, gazing at the house.  Any hope that one of her other siblings might come out to watch the car drive away was immediately dashed and, after a moment, she faced straight ahead.

The drive to the airport was silent after that, with only the sounds of Cam playing with one of his buzzy toys to fill the silence.  Of course, Clarke knew why they weren't speaking.  After a week of a discussing how her absence would be arranged, always with either a chill in their tones or one of sadness, they'd found themselves at an awkward truce.  She knew that Bellamy didn't agree with her decision, if you could even call it that. She'd one choice in the matter, her only choice, and she didn't know why he didn't see that.  But he wasn't going to poke at the wound, so to speak, just forge  ahead to get through the bump in the road.

But at least he hadn't lashed out at her like the kids.  Charlie was by far the worst, suddenly fighting her at every turn, but Cassi's deliberately hurtful remarks weren't much better.  Cole more or less ignored her, though she'd noticed he'd been writing more letters to their parents in the last week.  Only now, he gave them to Bellamy to deliver, not her.

She had, at least, talked to Bellamy about what to do for the anniversary of her parents' death.  Johns Hopkins had already forwarded a schedule for her first two weeks and she knew she would be working that day, which personally, felt like a good way to memorialize her mother, and even her father, who had been so supportive of his wife's work.  But there was no way she'd be able to make it home.  Bellamy had easily agreed to take the kids to the gravesite, where Charlie would apparently say a few words and they were deliver a bouquet of their mother's favorite flowers.  Clarke would call as soon as she could after her shift.

"Thank you," she said suddenly.  "I couldn't do this without you."

Bellamy turned his head quickly and nodded before pulling his gaze back to the road.  But he did offer her his right hand and she threaded her fingers through his gratefully.

Looking at his profile, she wondered for a moment if their earlier decision to delay getting married until they knew each other better was silly.  What didn't they know about each other?  They hadn't spent much time together, just the two of them, but ultimately, as long as they had kids, they wouldn't ever have much time together alone.  Cam was only about to be two.  They had at least sixteen years of kids being in the house, and likely more, since Clarke was pretty sure she and Bellamy would have at least a couple of their own.  But when it came to the stuff that usually broke people up - money, faithfulness, the ability to handle tough times - they were completely on the same page.  

Mundane life and the standard crises all couples faced were what broke most marriages.  They knew they could hand the mundane and the crises.  So what was the point of waiting?

She didn't doubt that she'd marry this man.  She trusted him enough to raise her kids.  To want to make more children with him.  There really wasn't any point in waiting much longer then after this fellowship was over.  Maybe a May or June wedding, something small and intimate in the backyard.  He could get on her health insurance and he'd have even more rights to the kids and the house.

She let herself fantasize about the details of an early summer wedding, what kind of flowers she would pick, how everyone could go barefoot in the backyard.  She knew Cassi would love going dress shopping and that Charlie and Cole would enjoy it if they built an arbor to use for the ceremony.  Smiling at the thought of Cam in a tiny suit, she tried to relax into the seat and enjoy the ride.

But her heart sank all over again when she caught sight of the airport.  She was about to leave for three months, a stark reality that she wasn't anymore excited about than the kids were. Yes, this fellowship would help her career immensely and yes, it was something she had to do.  But leaving Bellamy and the kids, however necessary, made her heart ache.

Bellamy pulled the car up to the curb by the airline dropoff and put on the hazard lights before jumping out to get her bags from the back.  Clarke took a breath to steady herself and then slid out of the car, only to open Cam's door.

"Bye-bye, my baby boy," she told the toddler, reaching into to hug him in his seat and plant a kiss on his cheek.

"Bye-bye, Mommy," Cam replied cheerfully, giving his scrunched finger wave.  As usual, her imminent departure had no effect on him.

Clarke blinked away tears, spending a moment fussing with his hair, reluctant to step away from him.  Only when she felt Bellamy at her back did she pull away slowly, closing the door gently.

Without a word, she turned and wrapped her arms around her boyfriend, burying her head into his chest.  "Even the baby isn't upset," she mumbled tearfully into his shirt.

"Everyone's upset.  But Cam doesn't know that you're not going to be here later is all," Bellamy corrected her before putting his arms around her and resting his chin on the top of her head.  "But he will.  He's going to ask for 'mommy' later and you won't be there."

She could hear the censure in his voice, however mild it might be, and closed her eyes, as if that would make it sting less.  "I'll Skype you tonight, after I get to the apartment in Baltimore," she answered instead, reluctantly pulling away from him.

He gravely handed her the handle to her rolling suitcase.  "Text to let me know you landed safely," he added.

"I will," she promised, but found herself unable to take a step away.  Bellamy might have been wearing an expressionless mask, but she could see the pain in his eyes and it crushed her will to walk into the terminal.

"I have to do this.  I wouldn't go if I didn't have to," she told him, as if she hadn't been saying that very thing for a week.

"I know," he agreed, but she knew he only meant that he understood why she thought she had to go.  That he would have made a different decision in her shoes.

Clarke wanted to add that she would call everyday, that she would always be available by text, that the next three months would go by quickly.  Again, things she had said repeatedly before, and again, she felt the hollowness of the words without even having to utter them.

Bellamy broke the silence.  "You do what you have to do.  I'll be here with the kids," he promised, voice rough with barely contained emotion.

For a moment, she was tempted to say the hell with the fellowship, that she wouldn't leave him or the kids.  But she knew that was childish, especially when she'd already accepted the position.  So she just nodded and turned to walk into the airport, determined to not look behind her or cry.

 

* * *

 

Traveling to Baltimore was decidedly uneventful.  Clarke landed, found a taxi, and checked in with the front desk in the apartment building where the hospital had arranged for her stay in a small, furnished studio apartment.  The door behind her closed with a resounding click and she blinked, wondering what to do in the dorm-like space first.

Her phone rang, saving her from having to make a decision.  She dug in her bag frantically and breathlessly answered without even glancing at the screen.  "Hello, Bell?"

"No, it's Raven.  I wanted to see if you got in okay," answered the mechanic.

"Oh, yeah.  In my apartment and everything," Clarke replied, trying to keep the disappointment out of her voice.  She'd texted him as soon as she landed, then after she got into the taxi, and again a few moments ago on the way up in the elevator.  He had yet to respond.

"Yeah?  Is it nice?"

"Utilitarian chic, I guess."  She wandered over to the kitchen counter, which had a short welcome note from the hospital's fellowship coordinator and a few takeout menus from nearby restaurants.  "I feel like I'm in school again."

"Well, isn't this some sort of post-grad training program?"

"Yeah, pretty much."  Clarke sighed, turning away from the tiny kitchen and walking towards the windows.  "Got a great view of the street below," she noted blandly.

"Nothing to distract you from kicking ass in your program then," Raven replied.  "You know, make this whole three month trip worthwhile."

It was almost an admonishment and Clarke actually blanched.  "Of course.  That's the only reason I'm here," she quickly defended herself.

"I know," Raven said.  "I'm just saying, you know.  Be awesome.  Make this fellowship your bitch so that all the complaining the kids are doing is worth it, career-wise."

"That's not…"  Clarke took a breath, knowing it wasn't worth trying to explain.  "Yeah, that's the plan.  I'm going to kick ass, take names, all that."

"I'm kind of serious, Clarke.  I know you didn't agree to do this lightly, but you gotta make everything out of this, because you're asking a lot of the kids and Bellamy.  I totally support what you're doing, I totally agree with the decision, but like...make it really worthwhile, right?"

"Of course!  I mean..that's the whole point," Clarke hastily agreed, but wondered where this was coming from.  "Are..is everything okay with you?  It's not like you to...I don't know…"

"Talk about your kids?"  Raven suggested.  "Yeah, I know.  I guess I'm thinking about them more.  Kids, you know."

"Are things okay with you and Murphy?"  Clarke asked, taking a seat on the stiff, beige couch.  "You almost never bring up the kids."  She couldn't think of why Raven would be so concerned about kids all of sudden when she referred to Cam as "it" up until last summer.

"No!  I mean, things are fine between me and John.  Really fine."  Now she just sounded smug.

Unwilling to take the bait and hear more about their sex life, since that tone was always about their sex life, Clarke answered, "Okay then.  So what's going on?"

"I'm...we've been talking about it is all, your fellowship, and since I'm dating a guy with a kid, I'm thinking about how things affect them more, okay?"

"Okay."  Clarke frowned.  "You've been talking about me with Murphy?" she asked, trying not to feel slighted.

"Our lives are a little wrapped up with yours, what can I say?  We don't talk about you a lot, don't worry. More like...how your lives affect ours, especially with Ethan."

"And Murphy's all about Ethan," Clarke agreed, relaxing now that she wasn't faced with another accusation, implied or otherwise about how she was a terrible parent.  In truth, she felt a bit jealous of Murphy sometimes.  He had a job more than a career, so he was able to focus on his son.  And he only had the one kid to look after, not four.

They spoke for a few minutes longer before saying goodbye, and after checking her phone to see that Bellamy still hadn't responded, she decided to unpack before giving him a call.  No need to become a nag already, especially when he probably simply had his hands full getting the kids to bed.

Halfway through pulling out her clothes, she found a folded set of t-shirt material sheets.  Confused, she pulled them out of her suitcase and a folded piece of paper fluttered to the floor.  Bemused, she picked this up and found a note.

 

_Clarke,_

 

_You're not going to be around for Valentine's Day so here's your present a bit early.  You told me once how much you liked these kind of sheets so I got you a set for your bed in Baltimore.  They're already washed so you can use them right away._

_I also made a list of easy meals and what you'd need to get at the store to put them together.  There's a grocery store half a mile away and they also deliver, according to Google, so I know you'll be able to get groceries one way or another._

_We'll miss you._

 

_Love,_

_Bellamy_

  


She read the note three times, sniffling at the sentiment.  It was peak Bellamy; a thoughtful gift, an admonishment to eat well, instructions on how, and an expression of his feelings.

 _I don't deserve him_.

That was the only thought in her head as she hastily called him, sinking into a seat on the bed.  Just when she thought he wouldn't pick up, she heard his voice.

"Clarke...sorry, we're having a rough bedtime here."  

More than anything else, he sounded tired...or resigned.

She hung her head.  "I'm sorry I can't be there to help.  I'm just calling to thank you, for my present.  I…"  She took a steadying breath, trying to keep the waiver out of her voice.  "You're always so thoughtful.  Thank you."

"Not always, but I was already trying to think of something to give you for Valentine's Day before this...whole thing came up," he admitted.  

Clarke couldn't think of a good reply and they lapsed into a tense silence before she heard Cam wail in the background.

"I gotta go.  The baby is-"

"Yeah, I hear him.  Uh, any chance any of the others want to speak with me?" she wondered sadly.

"Charlie's working on some paper due tomorrow that he procrastinated on, or so he says, Cole actually fell asleep early, and Cassi's so upset she's blasting music and that's keeping the baby up.  It...it wasn't very good this evening, after you left."  He sighed.  "I'll call you later, after things are settled?"

"We have to be at the hospital at six in the morning, so I'm going to take a Benadryl and get to sleep so I'm not dragging.  Or not dragging more than necessary," she explained apologetically.  "Plus, I'll bet you're tired from today too...dealing with the gang at home."

"Yeah-"  A piercing wail from Cam interrupted.  

"Go, go," she urged.  "I love you."

"Love you too."

She spent too long staring at the phone afterwards, but eventually got herself moving to at least make the bed before following through on her plan to drug herself to sleep.  Even with the chemical help, she spent way too long staring up at the unfamiliar ceiling, wallowing in the guilt of doing what was necessary for her family.

She just had to bear it.

 

* * *

 

Clarke arrived at the conference room for her fellowship orientation, only to find herself apparently the last visiting resident to arrive.  Hovering in the doorway in surprise, she startled when a throat cleared itself behind her.

She turned to find a classically handsome man with close-cropped black hair, sepia skin and a nose a bit too big for his face  in a set of dull blue scrubs carrying four black binders.  "Excuse me," he said.

Trying not to react to his English accented baritone, Clarke flushed and hastily stepped aside.  "Sorry about that, uh.." She paused, looking at the badge clipped to his shirt.  "Doctor Hamilton."  She winced, realizing that this was Julian Hamilton, Bill Cadogan current post-residency fellow.  

He offered her a wan smile and hurried into the room, handing out the binders to the other doctors.  "We don't stand on a lot of ceremony here, so if you'd like to join us, we could begin," he noted, not unkindly when she continued to just stare.

"Right, sorry," she repeated, sitting down quickly at the first available chair and taking the offered binder while trying not to feel like an awkward teenager in high school.

He nodded at her and turned his attention back to the room at large.  "So.  Bill is in an emergency surgery so you will all start with me today.  I'm going to start with some answers to the questions we most often get.  Yes, to have a shot at the post-residency fellowship with Bill, you must do well here.  Yes, he expects you to call him by his first name.  We're all on a first name basis here.  Yes, this fellowship is as grueling, if not more so, than your first year of residency.  Yes, Bill is here almost everyday, so am I, and to make an impression, you should be too.  And yes, if you fail to impress, Bill will send you home early.  He doesn't have any time to waste on any doctor he doesn't think he can't make into a better surgeon than you are today."

Any doubt about the wisdom of leaving the kids back in Arkadia with Bellamy fled as Julian continued, outlining the demanding work schedule which included reading all of Bill's published articles and watching the select recordings of his surgeries which were available in the hospital library on their limited time off.  As much as she would have loved to have her family with her, regardless of school, it sounded like she would hardly get to see them anyway.  Bill and Julian apparently thought they should be living at the hospital.  And the thought that Bill could be so displeased with someone that they would send them home early….it would all be for nothing, if she didn't see this fellowship out to the end.

"On any given day, two of you will be shadowing Bill and two will be shadowing me.  Bill and I obviously work together, so occasionally all four of you will be with us on some of the more complicated procedures. We will mix up the pairs as well, so you each get a sense of working with each other. Each of you will assist us with surgeries, starting today."  He pointed to the  young woman with long twists caught up in a ponytail to his far right.  "Let's introduce ourselves now.  You first."

"I'm Gaia," she immediately replied and seemed ready to continue when he simply pointed to the next doctor.  Apparently, he really did mean introduce and nothing more.

The blond with the long legs turned out to be Spencer and the woman with light brown hair which was already escaping her bun was Pamela.  Clarke got a raised eyebrow from her when she introduced herself, so she added, "Yeah, that's my first name."

"Mine's a last name too," Spencer noted, giving Clarke a nod of solidarity.

"Wonderful," Julian interrupted.  "Clarke and Spencer are with me today, and Gaia and Pamela will be with Bill once he's out of surgery."  He moved towards the door.  "Now, I'm about to perform a ventricular restoration.  Clarke, you can scrub in, and the rest of you will observe from behind the glass."

They each scrambled to follow and as they trotted down the hall, Clarke hastily revised her estimate of what her next three months would look like.  

It would be Hell, if she was hearing correctly.  But she'd go through Hell for her family, without question.

 

* * *

 

The clock read near eleven before Clarke actually made it back to her tiny apartment.  She'd been in three surgeries, two surgical reviews, and done rounds three times before her first day had been over.  Now she knew why the hospital had sent all the HR documents to her in Arkadia to fill out; there was no time for her to do it here.

She managed to stop by the store Bellamy had picked out, but despite her best intentions to follow his list, she bought ready-to-eat meals, junk food and coffee.  It wasn't the work of three minutes to put it all away and open the chicken cutlet meal while she checked to see if Bellamy was still up.

He called her within fifteen seconds of getting her text.

"Hey, how was your first day?" he asked as soon as she picked up.

Clarke smiled as she hit the speaker button and set the phone down on the counter, so she could concentrate on cutting up her chicken all at once like a child.  "Ridiculous.  This is like...surgeon boot camp.  Feels that way, anyway.  I've already been in surgery a few times, and you wouldn't believe the amount of homework I have."  She glanced balefully at the binder she hadn't cracked yet.

"Homework?"

"Basically.  We have to read all of Bil-uh-Cadogan's published articles and review these recordings of certain surgeries.  There's no quiz or anything, but it's not something we have time to do while we're on shift."

"Is...is this normal?"

"I have no idea," she answered, knowing she sounded weary and horrible.  "I don't want to talk about work anymore.  How are you?  How are the kids?  Do they hate me any less today?"

"Uh."  He took a breath and she knew the news wouldn't be good.  "Charlie hates you, Cassi….really wants you to be here and is pissed that you're not, and Cole...still seems, I don't know.  He's acting off.  I think it's because of the anniversary, not you.  Cam asked for you tonight though."

"My baby…"  She leaned over the counter.  "I'm glad someone still loves me.  I'd tell you to put him on Skype with me, but I'm sure he's asleep."

"Hey, he's not the only one," Bellamy rumbled with such feeling, she couldn't help the smile that came to her face.  "I was thinking though, maybe you could, uh, read a book and record it?  Send it to me?  Then I can play it for him when he's really missing you."

"That's a good idea.  Shit, I should have done that before I left.  I'll download some books tonight and record them before I go to sleep."

"You don't have to do this tonight, Clarke.  You need sleep too and it's already late."

"Says the guy who watches how many kids everyday?"  She pushed aside the dinner she wasn't eating and grabbed the phone before walking over to the bed.  She stretched out on her back with a sigh.  "Seriously, how are you?"

"Tired, yeah.  Missing you.  It's weird to think you're not going to be home anytime soon."

"Yeah….how are...are you sure you're okay with the whole thing for the anniversary?  I still have to order the flowers to put on their graves."

"That...yes.  Actually, the Kanes want to join us.  I told them it was okay, seeing as they knew your parents too."  

Clarke closed her eyes and smiled sadly.  "Yeah, it's okay.  I was thinking maybe you could take them to Dad's favorite pizza place afterwards?  We..we haven't been since he was around and Charlie always really liked their pizza, said it was way better than our local place."

"Yeah, yeah.  Send me the address?"

"Dad's favorite was pepperoni and black olives.  Only Charlie would eat that with him.  Of course, they could always eat a whole pizza between them."  Clarke and her mother would also jokingly time them, to see how fast they would devour it, usually faster than they could convince Cole to eat a single slice.

"Get Charlie his own pizza, check," Bellamy replied with amusement. "That's pretty much a given these days.  He needs new jeans again too."

"I think he's going to be taller than you."

"That's not hard.  I'm not actually that tall."

"You look tall to me."

"Everyone looks tall to you, princess."

"I think you present yourself as tall."  

"How exactly do I do that?"

Clarke waved a hand.  "It's your...commanding air."

He laughed, just like she wanted and she grinned in triumph.  "Yeah, well, if I have a commanding air, I'm surprised you noticed it."

"Just because I'm terrible at taking commands doesn't mean that I don't notice that you're giving them."

"Mmm...did you eat something?"

She chuckled.  "It's on the counter, I'll finish it after this call."

"Or forget about it and fall asleep.  Come on, Clarke, I know you."

"Oh yeah?  What documentary or heist movie are you watching right now instead of sleeping?"

"No comment.  Besides, I was waiting to talk to my girlfriend."

"She appreciates it, definitely.  I appreciate everything you do for me, for the kids."

He sighed.  "Now you're getting maudlin again.  Clarke, eat something, get some sleep.  I'll check in tomorrow, okay?"

"Okay."  Honestly, she was simply too tired to argue the point.  "I'm going to try to call you guys around dinner time tomorrow, okay, even if I'm at the hospital still."

"Sounds good.  Sleep well, princess."

"You too, Bell.  Love you."

"Love you too."

 

* * *

 

Three days later, Clarke laid her head down on the table in the hospital's cafeteria and closed her eyes, hoping to just rest for five minutes.

Never before in her medical career had she been as stressed as she was now.  The hours were long, the studying in her off-hours was intense, and she still had to try and repair her relationship with her siblings, to say nothing of her boyfriend, by long distance.  She felt thinner, emotionally and physically; she was pretty sure she'd already lost some weight from the stress and the poor eating.

Not that Bill or Julian were assholes.  Titus was way more of a jerk than either of them.  Bill, for all his vaunted reputation and really high standards, was genuinely concerned for his patients and genuinely interested in helping each of his residents become better cardio-thoracic surgeons.  Julian was the same way, if a bit more likely to crack a joke.  But they were clearly healers, first and foremost, and it made her _want_ to work like a dog to get their approval, not just to improve her career chances.

Her phone buzzed in her pocket and, with a sigh, she straightened and checked the incoming message.  Her mouth quirked when she saw it was from Cassi.  They'd had a long talk late last night and Clarke felt her sister better understood, and more important, forgave her for being away from them.  Now she was keeping Clarke apprised of all her doings at school and helping Clarke pick out the flowers for their parents memorial.  

Cole too seemed to be at peace with her being away, only asking if they would be able to come visit and maybe see the aquarium while they were there.  It wasn't a bad idea; if she could string a couple of days off in a row, maybe at the end of her fellowship, it'd be nice to have a small holiday with the kids.  Cam, meanwhile, seemed fairly content to Skype with her at the end of the day, though she'd also recorded a couple more videos of her reading Dr. Seuss books for Bellamy to play for him when he shouted for Mommy and she wasn't available.

When it came to the kids, Bellamy always knew what to do.

Only Charlie was still really pissed at her, refusing to talk with her beyond monosyllabic answers to her questions.  Of course, Bellamy told her that her brother was at the age where he'd find something to be pissed at her about, and unless he started really acting out, to not take it so personally.

It was really hard not to take it personally, though.

She reviewed Cassi's flower choices and forwarded the message to Bellamy along with a note.

 

_Works for me.  Use the household credit card when you place the order, I think we get a AAA discount with the florist.  Love you, will call tonight._

 

She continued typing when she heard someone take a seat her table, but she finished her message and pressed send before looking up only to find both Julian and Bill at her table with their own trays.

"We were just talking about you," Bill informed her with a knowing smile.  "And we thought, why not include you in the conversation about yourself."

Clarke blinked and looked from one man to the other as she hastily put away her phone.  "That's...polite of you, I guess."

"Well, we thought we'd get the answer to our question straight from the horse's mouth, so to speak," Julian replied as he opened his soda bottle.  

"What question?"

"You're the only one of the residents who hasn't come to either Julian or myself and asked what extra steps you could be taking."

Clarke felt herself go hot.  Three days in and her biggest impression seemed to being the least interested of all their trainees.  "I-"

"It's not a complaint," Julian continued.  "It's simply that we get asked that question by everyone who comes through the fellowship these days and you stand out for not asking."

That they didn't seem angry, merely curious, added to the fact that she was already so tired, made her choose blunt honesty.  "I'm only here to learn from you, to learn how to be a better heart surgeon.  I'm not trying to impress you enough to get into your post-residency fellowship, like the others."

Julian guffawed and Bill grinned, folding his arms and leaning forward onto the table.  "Any reason why my fellowship isn't good enough for you?"

"It's in Baltimore."  Clarke leaned against the back of her chair.  "Beyond the fact that I don't want to relocate for a few years here, uprooting my family, there's no reason why the people of Arkadia should have to come here for top-notch heart surgery.  I'm going to bring it to them."

The two doctors exchanged a look, one she couldn't read, and then Bill stood up with his tray.  "Well, I like that you know what you want.  I'll see you in an hour in pre-op, Clarke."  He gave them both a nod before heading out of the cafeteria.

"He's got a conference call, consulting with a doctor in Bern," Julian explained, though she didn't ask.  "Mind if I continue to share your table?"

"Of course not."  Unsure of where they stood, after her revelation, she unwrapped her sandwich and tried to think of some polite conversation.  "I guess you don't mind living in Baltimore," was the only thing she could come up with and she winced at her gracelessness.

Julian chuckled, shaking his head.  "Well, I'm willing to tolerate it while I'm learning, and then, as you said, I will take my knowledge elsewhere, so patients don't have to travel here to get this kind of quality care."

"You're going to go back to..England?" she asked in surprise.

"India, actually.  I'm a British citizen, but my mother is from Mumbai.  I plan to practice there after my training here is finished."

Clarke smiled, relieved to be able to shift their conversation from her.  "I can't even begin to guess how many hospitals are in a city with as many people as Mumbai.  I guess you'll have your pick of position.  Have you lived there before?"

"For a few summers, yes. Not quite the same as moving there more permanently, of course, but as I said, I have family there and I'm not unfamiliar with it."

She relaxed further as he continued, assured now that she hadn't botched her fellowship completely by her announcement that she wasn't seeking another one with Bill.  And for a moment even, she felt the guilt of not being at home leave her.  Julian was doing exactly what she was, though his fellowship was a few years long and not just a few months.

She would be gone three months to ensure the kids wouldn't have to move for years and years.  As tough as this all was, they were all going to handle it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a hard time writing this chapter and I'm afraid it shows. I'm hopeful the next one will be up with less delay than the last.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bellamy deals with some trying situations...including a memorial service.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the delay between chapters. It's been difficult to write lately. But here it is, beta'ed, as always, by Anne, for whom I give heartfelt thanks!

 

The day Bellamy dreaded arrived with some sunshine and mild temperatures, enough so he truly regretted they would be spending the day mourning.  He would have preferred to take the kids to the park or the open-air mall to walk around.  Anything, really, except going to a cemetery.

Instead, he drove them all to the florist, where Cassi ran inside to pick up the bouquet they ordered and the rest of them sat in a silence that made him wish for Charlie's backtalk, Cole's incessant chatter or even Cam crying to break it up.  In the five days Clarke had been gone, the household had devolved until Bellamy was breaking up arguments between the kids every couple of hours, but even that was preferable to this.

To say nothing of Cassi's new behavior, which was essentially to be up his butt.   Unless she was at school or with a friend, she was constantly by his side, often sniping at her brothers or being a weird, bossy echo that didn't encourage anyone to follow Bellamy's directions.  He'd actually tripped over her the day before, not realizing she'd taken a seat on the kitchen floor, using the cabinets as a backrest while she'd been texting.

He wondered if his sister and Murphy were right, that Cassi could use some therapy.  If only so she had a safe space where she could air her anxieties and found some better coping strategies other than following him around.  He wasn't sure how they were going to afford it though, since their insurance only covered so many therapy sessions, or even find the time to get her there.  

He knew that Clarke thought that the kids were grieving on their own schedule, in their own ways, and she didn't want to suggest to them that they were wrong to feel the way they did about their parents' death.  Everytime he brought it up, Clarke defended the kids, reminding him that they had been a very close family and that it would take more than a year for them to feel normal and then not feel guilty for feeling normal.

After Cassi clambered back into the car with the flowers, Bellamy drove them all to the cemetery.  Turning onto the little road that took them to the section where the Griffins were buried, he blinked when he saw the recognizable cars all lined up at the end of the roundabout, more than simply the Kane's Lexus.  As he pulled up, people started getting out of the cars - Miller and Bryan, the Jahas, Octavia and Lincoln, Murphy, Ethan and Raven.  Even Mackenzie, one of Charlie's friend's from school, was there, slipping out of her father's vehicle and hurrying over.

"What are you doing here?" Charlie asked her after they all hurriedly got out of the car, brow furrowing while Bellamy looked askance as the Millers approached.  She hesitated, giving Miller an opening.

"We knew this might be a hard day for you all, so we're here to stand with you." 

"We're all family, after all," Callie added as the Kanes walked over.  "Just a different kind of family."

"And that includes all of us too," Octavia noted, coming forward to give her brother a quick hug and then offered one to Charlie as well.

The teen accepted the embrace briefly, but had eyes only for his friend.  "And you're here…"

"Because I heard you guys talking about it when I was over the other day and...I figured you could use a friend," Mackenzie replied as she found her voice, but defiant, as if expecting him to balk.

But Charlie simply gave her a sad smile and a quiet, "Thank you," before taking her offered hand.  

"I wasn't expecting this kind of crowd," Bellamy mentioned to Murphy as he got Cam out of the car, while most of the others made their way to the Griffin family plot.  "Neither were the kids."  That said, they seemed to be welcoming of the company; Cassi had been tucked into Wells' side and Cole was showing Raven and Ethan his letter to his parents.

"Don't look at me; you know it wasn't my idea."  Murphy shrugged, eyeing the toddler.  He seemed about to say something, but then shook his head.  "You okay?" he finally asked.

"Yeah.  I'll be better when this is over though," Bellamy confirmed as he hoisted Cam onto his hip.

After they were all gathered around the small headstone, Cassi solemnly laid the flowers down and Cam put his latest letter on the sodden remains of his previous ones.  Bellamy glanced at Charlie, who had prepared something to say, but saw that the teen was frozen with a look of profound grief on his face.  

Perhaps he had underestimated how affected Charlie was by all of this.

Probably the surprise audience wasn't helping.

When he noticed Thelonious take a breath as if to begin speaking, he passed Cam over to Murphy, to the latter's surprise, and then stepped forward as he cleared his throat.  No one had come here today to hear one of the elder Jaha's sermons.

"I didn't get a chance to meet Abby and Jake Griffin.  I only know them through the legacy of their children," Bellamy began, mentally scrambling.  "So I feel confident in saying that they were...stubborn."

Marcus and Jaha chuckled.

"And smart.  Kind.  Tried to make the world a better place than it was when they found it.  And above all, always looking out for their family."

He could see Marcus nodding and Callie had a small, knowing smile on her face.

"It takes a lot of guts to go out on your own the way they did, without the support of their family, and still retain the kind of...selflessness I hear about them all the time.  In the patients' lives saved by Abby, in the homes and schools and farms that Jake helped design and build.  I see those qualities everyday in their kids, whether it's Clarke's saving lives, or Charlie's engineering projects, Cassi's careful consideration of her effect on the world, Cole's endless designs and even Cam's devoted insistence on sharing his food with everyone.  Even the floor."  That got a laugh from most folks.

"Even when they faced life's disappointments, they didn't let it get them down but kept trying, kept striving, not for just for themselves but everyone else around them. They didn't have any quit in them and that's something I think we can all admire.  They really touched a lot of people's lives, and they're going to touch so many more through all the things that their children are going to accomplish too."  

He took a deep breath, suddenly missing Clarke's presence beside him so sharply.  "And I'm going to remember that every time their kids are stubborn.  Or kind.  Or working to make the world a better place."

When they filed back to their cars, Murphy eased Cam back into Bellamy's arms.

"Thanks.  Sorry to spring the kid on you like that."

Murphy shrugged.  "It's been awhile since I held a toddler, but it's like riding the proverbial bike."

Walking side by side, Bellamy watched Raven ahead of them, flanked by Ethan and Cole.  "I noticed her noticing you with the baby," he remarked in a quiet voice.

Murphy snorted.  "She's not interested in kids, Blake.  Breeding isn't in the forefront of everyone's mind."

"That's true.  Clarke said Raven was not a kid person, Cole excepting.  And now Ethan.  You okay with that?"

"You know me, I don't want any more kids.  Plus, a half-Raven half-me kid would be a menace to society."

"Hate to break it to you, but you're a long way from your delinquent days.  I bet you could win a PTA election."

Murphy laughed and gave him a trademarked smirk.  "Yeah, if I hadn't slept with more than a few of the PTA members."

"Does Raven know about your, uh-"

"Profligate ways?"

Bellamy chuckled.  "At least you have a fancy vocabulary."

"She knows."  He eyed Bellamy sidelong.  "She's most appreciative of my thorough training."

Bellamy wanted to keep teasing his friend, to remain bantering but instead said, "I'm glad you guys are doing well together."

Murphy nodded, looking thoughtful for once, instead of smug.  "We're on the same page.  Makes all the difference."

 

* * *

 

With so many people, Bellamy ended up ordering five pizzas, including the pepperoni and black olive one for Charlie, as well as a big salad, and inviting the group back to their house.  Everyone soon scattered into distinct groups, Charlie and Mackenzie in the living room, Callie, Marcus and the Jahas in the dining room, Wells, the Murphys, Raven and the Millers in the family room with Cole and Cam, and Lincoln, Octavia and Cassi at the kitchen table.

After making sure everyone was settled, Bellamy joined the adults in the dining room, since no one else from the family was sitting with them.  They were reminiscing about the Griffins but welcomed him with smiles.

"You did a wonderful job, talking about them, at the cemetery," Callie complimented.

"You don't know how accurate you were, really," Thelonious added.  "Stubborn is how I would best describe Jake."

Marcus nodded, shifting Maddie in his lap as she continued to eat her half slice of pizza.  "That's very true.  Abby knew the value of compromise, or how the means could justify the ends sometimes, but Jake was an idealist.  All or nothing."

"Which is why you didn't get along that well," Callie interjected.  Her look for her husband was fond.  "You're a politician, and a result-oriented one at that.  Jake-"

"Couldn't stand that," Thelonious finished with a nod.  He crossed his arms as he sat back in his seat with a knowing smile.  "How many times did he stomp away from a meal around this very table because he was so angry at all of us for-"

"'Compromising our ethics'," Callie and Marcus quoted, along with Thelonious.

"We were chastised by Jake a lot," Marcus agreed around a chuckle.

"Clarke and Charlie are so like him.  I see that same determination in them both.  They make a decision and they follow through."  Thelonious cut his hand through the air in demonstration.

Bellamy smiled tightly.  "That's probably why they're at such loggerheads right now.  He can't forgive her for going to this fellowship thing."  He snorted.  "And why her most creative punishments are for him when he does something wrong."  He briefly described what happened last May, when Charlie failed to watch his little sister as promised.

"I had no idea he did that."  Callie frowned, glancing down at her daughter.  "I'd have been livid."

"Clarke wasn't interested in humiliating him, only teaching him a lesson."

"Well, then I'm surprised I didn't hear about it from Cassi."  Everyone was aware that most days, Cassi and Charlie did not get along.

"She agreed with Charlie about it.  She felt she was old enough to be alone in the house and that Clarke and I were babying her, especially since nothing happened in the hour and a half she was alone."  

"It was completely normal for a twelve year-old to be on her own after school, not too long ago," Thelonious mentioned.

"It was for me, and I had to watch my little sister too," Bellamy agreed, toying with the crust in his hand.  "And it still is normal for a lot of people who can't afford after school care.  But Clarke wasn't mad about that, she was - we both were - mad about him saying he would do something and then blowing it off.  If he had said, 'No, I can't,' then he wouldn't have gotten into trouble.  It was more about his lying and then ducking it all than anything else."

When it was all said and done, the last pizza box thrown away and most of their guests gone for the evening, Bellamy found himself in the kitchen making popcorn with Octavia while Lincoln and the kids watched  _ Moana _ in the family room.

"I can't believe that Miller and Bryan aren't going to build their dream farmhouse anymore," she said, shaking her head.  "They've been talking about it for  _ years. _ "

That had been a surprise revelation.  They'd excitedly told everyone that afternoon that they were about to buy a newly built house that had come on the market because the original owners were going through a divorce and needed to sell quickly.

Bellamy shrugged, always quick to see the practicality in adjusting plans if circumstances changed.  "It makes sense though.  They found a great deal on an enormous house not too far away from where they wanted to build anyway.  It'll save them money and time, so they can move faster to adopt like they want.  This is...logical."

"Two weeks ago, they were still talking about the design of their own place and now, they're putting a down payment on a new one.  That seems…"  He could tell by the look on her face that she couldn't understand how they could change their mind.  "Like they gave up."

"They didn't give anything up," he denied as he melted some butter in the small pan.  "If anything, they got more.  The place they're going to buy is huge, so if they adopt three kids eventually, like they want, everyone will have their own room.  There's still a lot of room left for Bryan to run his business out of and there's even a full suite available for Miller's dad to live with them too.  He wants to retire from the force and help raise his grandkids.  It's kind of perfect for them.  All they have to do is finish the basement and build the greenhouse Bryan wants."

"It's not on the perfect piece of land they wanted.  It doesn't have the acreage they always talked about," Octavia disagreed.  Although nominally helping him, once she pulled out a couple of big bowls from the cabinet, she'd taken a seat on one of the stools and was now simply watching him.

"What you want most changes, sometimes.  Now they're prioritizing children over land.  Nothing wrong with that."

"Hmmm.  Kind of like how you've given up your dream of writing novels?"

Bellamy jerked his head around and frowned at his sister.  "What?"

"I haven't heard you talk about writing in….months.  Everything out of your mouth is about the kids or Clarke.  I just assumed you gave up on writing."  

Something in her casual tone made him tense, like she was laying a trap for him.  "I haven't given up on writing."

"Oh?  When's the last time you wrote?"

He narrowed his eyes.  "It's been awhile," he bit out.

"Right.  Because you're a single parent with a large home to maintain.  And your kids…"  Octavia paused.  "Look, I'm only saying...you've dived into the stay-at-home-parent life, which pretty much means all things you want for yourself are low priority.  You have that tendency anyway."

Bellamy snapped his jaw shut, so as not to snap back at her.  Both of them had a habit of escalating their fights and he didn't have the energy for one now.

Unfortunately, Octavia didn't share his restraint.

"And speaking of the kids," she plowed on.  "They need more help than you can give them, I think.  Cassi and Cole especially.  And I'm starting to wonder why Clarke, a medical professional, can't see that.  Or if, maybe, she's offloading all of the parenting to you, even if she was here."

"Are you kidding me with this?" Bellamy practically hissed at her, losing some of the temper he had been holding in check.  Before he lost his head completely, he pushed aside the pan and gestured for his sister to follow him into the dining room.  "First, you encourage Clarke to go on the fellowship, and now you accuse her of abandoning her kids?  A fellowship she applied for because  _ you _ urged her to!"

Not that Clarke had ratted Octavia out; Octavia had practically bragged about her role in Clarke's fellowship that afternoon.

"That's not what I said!" Octavia denied.  "I said,  _ even if she was here _ , she's not doing her job with these kids.  Cassi is really sensitive and she needs more help than she's getting.  And don't tell me that Cole's behavior has gotten any better lately.  You know, he brags about not paying attention in school?"

"What?"  Bellamy scrubbed a hand over his face, then shook his head.  "That's..that's not the point, O.  How can you stand there and say she made the right decision to go and claim she's neglecting the kids?  They're not that messed up.  I'd say they're a normal amount of messed up for losing both their parents a year ago," he defended them.  "You know, people who were actually great parents, unlike ours."

"Yeah, maybe they are.  Doesn't mean they don't still need help you can't provide and that Clarke isn't doing anything about."  Octavia's expression softened.  "I know you're pretty happy with your insta-family, Bell, or think you are, and that you and Clarke really do love each other, and love the kids, but love isn't enough sometimes.  They need more than that."

"What the hell does that mean?"

"It means that you've sublimated your whole life to Clarke and I think maybe you're doing it either because you've given up on your dream and this is a good excuse or you've got a savior complex and think you're all this family needs to move on from their parents' death."

There it was.  The psychological pronouncement he knew his sister had been dying to make for weeks.  It had been months since their last fight - also about Clarke - so he figured they were due.  That she went after the kids, though, that pissed him off.  Spending an afternoon with them didn't make her an expert on what they did and didn't need.

"Uh-huh."  Bellamy took a breath, trying to forestall the rising tide of anger.  "You know, O, I think you should go."

Her eyes narrowed.  She was ready to dig in for a fight.  "Bell, I'm just trying to-"

"You're just being you.  The same, know-it-all, holier-than-thou you that I've dealt with  for years.  But right now, I don't have time for your Octavia-knows-it-all act.  I don't think you're so concerned about me as wanting to show off your psychology education.  God knows, you've never offered to help.  Lincoln's been here more often to help out than you have."

Octavia looked furious.  "Oh yeah?  Who saved your asses when Clarke was unreachable at the hospital when Cassi had her issue last year?" she reminded him.  

"That was  _ once _ .  Yeah, I know you text with Cassi some and you've had her over for a couple of sleepovers, but you're not the devoted aunt you think you are.  I think you're...what the fuck is it called…."  He snapped his fingers.   "Right,  _ concern-trolling _ .  You're here to point out problems, as you see them, but nothing else."

"Oh you know what, screw you!" she threw back at him.  "I'm trying to tell you that you've got a couple of kids that need therapy and you're only seeing that you're inadequate.  You're making this about you!"

"Yeah?  So they need therapy.  Great, O.  Got anything else?  Like, how we're going to afford it?  The logistics of it?  Are you offering to help with either of these issues?  Or are you just pointing out the problem and then considering your job done?"

"If you're going to be such an asshole about it, I'm going to go!" Octavia retorted, spinning on her heels and stalking towards the family room.  "Hey, Linc, I think we should get going," he heard her say before he could even respond.

"Fucking typical," he snarled, walking back into the kitchen to finish making the popcorn, ignoring both Octavia and Lincoln as they made their goodbyes.  When they were gone, Cassi peeled off from her brothers and came into the kitchen, helping him put all the popcorn into bowls and grabbing some drinks from the fridge.

"Thanks for helping," he told her sincerely.  "It's nice to have a sister who actually does," he added with a conspiratorial wink before following her into the family room.  Cassi might understandably have her issues, but at least she tried.

And so what if the kids were still having a hard time?  They were going to work through it in their own time, in their own way.  Meanwhile, he'd be there for them, and Clarke would too, just from over a Skype connection.

 

* * *

 

It was almost eleven when Charlie handed Bellamy the phone, then disappeared downstairs.  He was the last one to talk to Clarke, who'd called as soon as she'd gotten off work, but that had been nearly an hour and a half ago.

"So, Charlie actually spoke to you."

"Yeah," she answered.  "Not for too long, but yeah, for today at least, he was sort of willing to talk.  I think having everyone show up in solidarity really helped him."

"Well, with Mackenzie around, he usually behaves himself.  I think she's a good influence on him," he replied, walking into the bedroom and shutting the door behind him.  He wandered over to one of the windows and leaned against the wall.  "How was your day?  I'm sure you know all about mine."

Or the important parts of it.  He had absolutely no intention of mentioning his fight with Octavia to her.  She sounded tired and stressed-out as it was, and he didn't want to add to her burden.  Especially since Octavia's "opinion" was rendered after seeing the kids  _ today _ , when they were highly emotional.

"It was...surreal.  You know, last year-" She cut herself off and he could picture her biting her lower lip.  "Last year, I was watching the kids while they took their romantic weekend getaway.  Charlie and Cassi were fighting - what else is new, right? - and I was thinking, 'I can't wait 'til they get back, because I'm so tired of dealing with this.'  I'd been watching them for only a few hours."

He winced in empathy, knowing how guilty she must feel about it.  "That sucks, I'm sorry, Clarke."

"And then, at the funeral, I was having the strangest thoughts.  I was worried about the caterer, and the funeral home assistant director had been sort of rushing us, and I thought, 'I'll never use this place again.' Like, because I'm going to be repeat customer?  How morbid is that?  

"And then, at the cemetery, I kept thinking about how weird it was that we bury our dead.  I was thinking about that Farscape episode, you know, where they go to a cemetery planet and John is like, 'a whole planet as a cemetery?', and then Rygel is like, 'where do you bury your dead?', and John tells him in cemeteries on Earth and Rygel is like, 'you live next to your dead, how revolting!'  And that's kind of true.  Why do we bury our dead?  And usually in land that's pretty, so it could probably be used better for something else, right?

"So that's how I spent their funeral, and today, I spent the anniversary of their deaths studying Bill's surgeries and watching Spencer and Gaia assist on two other surgeries, and I barely thought about them all day.  Do you think-"

"Nothing is wrong with you, Clarke," he interrupted firmly, knowing exactly where she was going. Clarke was always hardest on herself. "I know it's a cliche, that people deal with grief in different ways, but I think."  He paused, to take a breath.  "I think you have so much on your plate that you wall off your grief.  You know, you're just trying to get through each day.  Maybe next year you won't be overwhelmed, for once, and you can actually grieve."

She blew out a breath.  "Wells said that Luna said that we should celebrate their birthdays each year, not the anniversary of their deaths.  You know, celebrate their lives.  I...kinda like that idea.  We're a birthday family anyway."

Griffin birthdays were enough of a thing that even his birthday last year, before they were together, Clarke had made sure was special for him.  His girlfriend, Gina, had broken up with him on that day because of his feelings for Clarke, and though she hadn't known the real reason, Clarke had gone out of her way to make the rest of his day nice.  She'd made sure the kids gave him space, ordered up a cake and a pizza, and sent in Miller and Murphy with some beer.  

Honestly, it had been a nice birthday.

"Yeah, it's not a bad one," he agreed, rubbing the back of his neck.  

"Well, something to think about in June and July.  But that reminds me, Cam's birthday is coming up.  April.  I won't be home yet, but I was thinking maybe a small party, invite the folks who want to come and serve some cake?"

He blinked, realizing that she was telling him he had another event to plan, organize and pull off while she was away.  He muttered a curse under his breath, but nodded, before remembering they weren't on Skype.

"Yeah, yeah, sounds reasonable.  I'm…surprised you're not asking for something larger, seeing as how we made such a big deal for everyone else's birthday."  

"Well, he's going to be two, he doesn't have a lot of friends.  Clowns are creepy.  Also we're at budgetary capacity, and oh, you have no time to plan or put together a whole big thing," Clarke explained. 

Bellamy smiled.  "Yeah, that's true.  About the time.  I don't have that reaction to clowns."

"You're weird," she declared and he chuckled.

"Clarke, go to bed," he directed in a gentle voice.  "You're beyond tired."

"I know, I am.  But...it's hard to go to sleep without you."

"Yeah, I know exactly how you feel," he answered, glancing at the bed.  "You could get one of those weird man-shaped pillows," he suggested.

"I hate to break it to you, but you're not exactly pillow-soft," she teased.  "Besides, it's about the heartbeat and the warmth and the feeling," she continued softly.

"I know.  I miss you too.  But we both should get to bed."

"Right.  I love you, talk to you tomorrow."

"Love you, good night."

 

* * *

 

 

Looking back on it, Bellamy could say that Valentine's Day that year was the calm before the storm.  The kids seemed like their normal selves, and they all - even Charlie - helped him make cupcakes for them to decorate and share in the afternoon and they had a quiet day at home.

Clarke had even gotten him a present, though he wasn't sure when she found the time to do it.  She purchased the entire HBO series  _ Rome _ and sent him a cute note about wanting to watch with him so he could point out what was accurate and what wasn't. 

 

_ I think it's the perfect blend of my love of true crime and your love of history, since I'm told there are a number of murders in this. _

 

The sentiment definitely brought a smile to his face.

But the next day, when the kids were still off from school, everything started to go off the rails.  First, he had been planning to go grocery shopping, but when he went to find Charlie to watch the kids, he couldn't find the teenager anywhere.

Frowning, he walked back into the family room, where Cassi was playing one of the Mario video games.  "Cassi, have you seen Charlie?"

"He left," she announced, eyes never leaving the screen.

"What do you mean, he left?  He didn't say anything."  Bellamy hastily pulled out his phone, typing a quick message to Charlie.

"I dunno.  He left."  Cassi was not concerned.

When the teenager didn't respond, Bellamy hurried into the living room and gave him a call.  Charlie picked up on the third ring.

"Yeah?"

"Where are you?"

"MacKenzie's.  I told you we have a project to work on."

Bellamy paused, thinking it over.  Charlie had mentioned a project on the day of the funeral, but he wasn't sure if he'd talked about when they would be working together.  "Well, when you leave the house, I have to know where you're going and when you'll be back," he answered, giving him the benefit of the doubt.

Charlie sighed, clearly annoyed.  "Well, I'll be back probably around dinner?"

"How'd you get to MacKenzie's anyway?"

"Walked."

"What?"  MacKenzie lived in a development a few miles away.

"Yeah, I walked.  I went through the woods in the back, it wasn't that far."

Bellamy considered that, privately agreeing that cutting through the woods made it a simple one and a half mile walk.  But he was uneasy about the teen walking through the unmaintained woods, especially in the dark, even if it was something he would have done himself at that age.  And if he was uneasy, Clarke would be pissed.  

"In the future, don't do that.  I'll give you a ride.  Call when you're ready to be picked up too.  I don't want you walking back."

"Fine.  Can I get back to work now?"  Clearly, Charlie felt talking to Bellamy was an unnecessary hassle.

Even though he'd had a lot more responsibility as a teenager, Bellamy understood the mindset.  "Yeah.  Okay.  I'll expect your call later."

Charlie hung up before saying anything else, leaving Bellamy to hastily revise his plans for the afternoon.  Heading back to the family room, he told Cassi, "You should save your game.  I need you to get ready to go with me to the grocery store; I'll get your brothers ready too."

"What?!" Cassi asked, pausing her game to glare at him.  "Why?  Why can't I stay here?  I'm old enough to be alone for a couple hours!  It's not like I'm going to do anything bad!"

Bellamy hesitated, knowing that the truth would infuriate her.  As much as he knew Cassi would probably be fine in the house for a couple of hours by herself, having watched more than a few of those shows Clarke loved had made him more paranoid about what could happen to unsupervised kids.  

He settled on something he hoped she'd feel flattered to hear. "Because I'm going to need your help, if Cole has to come with me and Cam while I do the grocery shopping."

Cassi didn't appear to buy his argument for a second, her frown remaining.  "You think I'm just a baby who needs to be watched, like Cam."

"I obviously don't think that-"

"You do!  You do!  But I'm not going, I'm staying here!"  She turned back to her game, pushing the volume up well past the rule-set limit and refused to budge even after he gave her time to cool off as he rounded up her brothers.  Bellamy ended up shutting off the power to the entertainment console completely and telling her she was grounded from the TV and the computer before she stomped her way to the car.

Shopping with a surly pre-teen, a distracted eight year-old and a toddler was no picnic either.  Cole decided that if he was going to be on the trip, he was going to have a say in adding things to the basket, which Cam immediately tried to emulate whenever he could reach anything on the shelves.  Meanwhile, Cassi was furiously texting and often lagged so far behind them that he would have to doubleback to find her.  

His normal two hour shopping trip turned into a four hour ordeal.

When they got back to the house, Cassi ran upstairs and slammed into her room before Bellamy even made it out of the garage with Cam.  He bribed Cole with a couple of cookies to keep an eye on Cam while he unloaded the car and put away all the groceries, and was just starting on dinner when he heard the front door open and close.

Without even thinking about it, he grabbed the knife he'd been using to slice up vegetables and hurried to the hallway, only to see Charlie shrugging out of his coat.

"What are you doing home?  I thought I told you to call me, not walk back."

"I didn't walk back; Mac's dad drove me," Charlie retorted, then smirked when he saw the knife in Bellamy's hand.  "What'd you think I was, a serial killer?  I think maybe you're watching too much of those shows Clarke likes."

"I didn't know who it was, since I was expecting you to call me, or at least let me know you were getting a ride back," Bellamy ground out, pushing down his annoyance.  Charlie hadn't done anything wrong and he didn't want to take out his frustrations on the teen when they were actually in a decent place for once.  "But whatever.  Can you keep an eye on your brothers while I finish dinner?"

"Where's Cassi?"

"She's grounded!" Cole enthusiastically reported from behind Bellamy.  "'Cause she wouldn't stop playing the game when we had to go!  She was like a super bitch about it!"

"Cole!" Bellamy whirled to face him.  "You know you're not supposed to use that word. Five minute time out, at the table, go!"

"It's not a curse word!" Cole protested.  "It's what you call a female dog!"  The last time he'd been punished for using the word, he'd looked it up and gotten a new argument for why he should be allowed to use it.

"Your sister isn't a female dog and you know you're not allowed to use that word about any person.  Go, now, and if you protest anymore, I'm adding another five minutes."

Bellamy turned away from Cole to signal that the discussion was over and he heard the boy stomping towards the table as Charlie grinned.

Nothing got the Griffin kids as excited lately as seeing their siblings punished.

"You'll watch them then?" Bellamy reminded the teen about his request.

"Uh, yeah, sure.  Especially if you've got a knife in your hands," Charlie quipped.

Bellamy let Charlie have the last word, since he was actually cooperating.  Still, dinner was a stilted affair, with both Cassi and Cole mad at him.  He found himself wishing for school to start sooner rather than later, hoping that the return to routine would help them all find a good rhythm again.

But he was wrong.

If anything, school made everything worse.  Charlie seemed to disappear completely, coming home for food and sleep and little else, always at school, or an activity, or someone else's house to work on a project.  Cassi's work with the school play on top of her school work made her almost manic and put a strain on the pick-up schedule, making him late to pick up Ethan more than once.

And then there was Cole.

Less than two days after they went back to school, Bellamy winced to find that Lowell Hill Elementary was calling him.  The last time he got a call, Cole had broken his arm.

"Hello, this Bellamy Blake," he answered, handing Maddie her spoon so she could eat her applesauce.

"Mr. Blake.  This is Miss Sykes, from Lowell Hill Elementary.  I'm Cole's teacher."

"Yes, I know."  He took a breath.  "I guess because you're calling and not the nurse, this is about his behavior and not that he's injured."

"Yes.  Mr. Blake, your..uh...Cole is very disruptive in class lately.  I can hardly go twenty minutes before he's trying to talk to his neighbors.  But today, it was a lot worse."

Bellamy held his breath, waiting for the boom.

"He asked a question during our science lesson today, and I thought he was sincere.  But it soon became clear that he was just having fun, keeping  _ me  _ distracted. He regarded it as a game, I think.  We're getting to the point where I think we need to involve more than him being kept in at recess.  I know he's younger than everyone else in class, but if he can't behave, we'll have to take more stringent measures."

"Oh, yes, I can see that."  He blew out his breath.  "I'm going to talk to him again, impress upon him that what he's doing isn't good for anyone.  But, and this isn't an excuse, I think he's having some trouble dealing with his parents' death.  We just had the one year anniversary and we did some things to mark it, and it brought up a lot of feelings for him that he's having trouble dealing with.  Basically, I think he might be trying to distract himself from  his sad feelings by being a bit of a class clown."

He heard her sigh.  "Well, that is certainly understandable.  But you're right, it's not an excuse.  I want to discuss some ways we can modify his behavior moving forward, before this gets to be a bigger problem."

"Yes, absolutely," he agreed.  They spoke for another ten minutes, talking about ways to get Cole more focused in class.  Step One, of course, was talking to the kid after school. 

Bellamy took Cole aside, sitting him at the kitchen table, once Gabe and Ethan were settled in the dining room and Cam and Maddie were playing with the Duplo blocks.

"I had a talk with your teacher today," he began, watching as Cole's face clouded up.  "We're both concerned with how much you've been talking in class.  Even today, when you were asking questions just to ask questions, and not because you wanted to know the answer.  Do you think you could tell me why you were doing that?"

"I'm supposed to ask questions in class, it's learning!" Cole practically shouted, causing Bellamy to reach out and put a hand on his shoulder.

"And are you supposed to bother the kids next to you in class when your teacher is talking?"

Cole wrinkled his nose, admitting, "No."

"Right.  Do you want to talk about why you're doing that?"

The boy shrugged, less as a denial and more as if he didn't know why he was doing that.

"Okay, well, I've been thinking about this, and I was thinking, maybe, when you have that urge to talk to your neighbors, maybe that's when you should write your letters to your parents."

It wasn't something he'd discussed with the teacher, exactly.  He didn't think she'd approve of him telling Cole not to pay attention.  But Cole already wasn't paying attention and his grades were fine, so Bellamy was more focused on making sure he wasn't a disruption.

He didn't know how much Clarke would like the solution either, but he knew enough to figure that she would try to drag the feelings out of the boy that he wasn't ready to express.  He planned on telling her that this was just a first step, getting him to stop interfering with the class, before they moved on to cause of his behavior.

Cole cocked his head and frowned.  "Everyday?"

"Sure, why not?  You talk to me everyday and it's not like we run out of things to say.  I can give you one of the spare notebooks from the closet that Charlie uses, with the tear out paper, and you can write your letters in there, and tear them out later for me to deliver.  Okay?"

"So I'm not in trouble?"

"Not today.  Not at home.  But if it happens again, yes.  But it's not going to happen again, right?  Because you're going to be writing letters instead of being a bug in class?" Bellamy prompted.

"Right!"  Cole seemed pleased with both the writing idea and the fact that he escaped punishment.  He settled at the dining room table to do his homework while Bellamy started up dinner, trying not to feel like he let Cole get away with something.  Afterall, the teacher had kept him in at recess.

The nagging feeling that he had done something wrong disappeared as he struggled to get through the rest of the day, buried under the work of getting all the kids fed, making sure their homework was done, insisting on Cole having a bath and forcing Charlie to gather his laundry.  When Clarke finally called late that night, he startled awake from his doze on their bed, frowning as he answered the phone.

"Hey, how are you?"

"Tired."  She sounded wrung out, actually.  Something closer to  _ bone weary _ .

"Another long day, huh?"

"Completely.  I don't know why they bother getting us apartments; we'd be better off just getting a room in the hospital to shower and sleep sometimes."

"But then they couldn't charge someone eight thousand a day or whatever for being in that room."  

"So true.  The all-mighty dollar rules everything.  How are things there?  I bet a lot more comfortable."

He considered filling her in on the situation with Cole - with them all really - but decided it wasn't worth it.  She'd just feel guilty about not being there for Cole and what would she be able to do from Baltimore for him anyway?   "Yes, the bed remains comfortable," he acknowledged.  "But less comfortable without you.  It is really way too big of a bed."

"Maybe we need one of those giant dogs.  He'd probably take up a fourth of the bed."

He laughed.  "Somehow, I think no matter how big the bed is, a huge dog ends up taking three-fourths of it.  It's Dog Law, I think."

"Clearly," she chuckled.  "Plus, the expense and the work.   Yeah, maybe that's not the solution to the Too Big Bed."

"I mean, maybe one day, we can get a dog.  I'm sure the kids would love it."  It was a nice thought, them being financially and emotionally stable enough to get a family dog.

"Yeah.  Dogs are great, but...honestly, all I can see right now is hair everywhere, vet bills, the fact that you know it would be me and you walking him all the time."

He wanted to agree, to talk about when they might get a dog, or some other easy topic of conversation, but she sounded so exhausted, all he said was, "Clarke.  Get some sleep.  We can talk tomorrow."

He could hear her yawning before she answered.  "Yeah."

The fact that she didn't even argue convinced him he was right not to tell her about Cole.  "Sleep well.  Love you."

"Love you too," she half-mumbled before the connection dropped, leaving him to lie back in bed and stare at the ceiling.

He knew he'd done the right thing.  But why did it feel so crappy?   
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I said, I've been having trouble writing lately, so I apologize for any roughness to this chapter. I'm trying to get back into a writing schedule and, as part of that, I've signed up again for the Fandom Trumps Hate Fan Work Auction. You can read more about it
> 
> [here.](https://callmehux.tumblr.com/post/168592570477/fth-2018-signups-are-now-open)
> 
> Letters from Home was written due to this auction last year.
> 
> Comments, questions, kudos, etc., are all welcome below. Thanks for reading!


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